A birthday party

Noel and I absolutely love throwing birthday parties for Cherry and Violet. Helping create a magical day for them is one of the nicest things about having children and we're both big believers in making it all about the experience rather than presents.

At this age they are both still really happy with homemade parties, and have yet to start demanding Frozen parties or soft-play parties or similar. I'm sure as they get older the challenge will be making these themed events charming, but for now as long as there's balloons, cake, family and friends everybody is happy.

After a bit of thought Noel came up with the idea of holding Violet's party in the little wooded glade opposite our house. It's already a beautiful space but with a bit of bunting, some balloons and a tiny bouncy castle it became really enchanting.

(The only thing I find about hosting birthday parties is I am always so busy tearing around I have no time to take photos during the event itself, so most of these pictures are 'before' or 'after' shots)

We like to involve Cherry and Violet as much as possible in making decisions about the party, what food they would like, what kind of cake and so on. Violet chose an angel cake from my Annie Bell cake book to decorate with Smarties, sweeties and sprinkles.

The decoration of the cake has become a tradition for birthday parties and Cherry and Violet really, really believe that more is more.

We kept the food quite simple, cheese and cucumber sandwiches, jam sandwiches, fruit salad, breadsticks and hummus, party rings (Cherry's suggestion), juice and, as requested by Violet, sweeties. We put out grown-up sandwiches, a few drinks and nibbles for the adults.

Violet chose the pink tablecloth, party plates, cups and cutlery, napkins, some blue paper party bags and a few little fun fillers all from good old Asda. I chose her dress as she absolutely loves kites. It's from Wild Things Dresses and I love it SO much I could cry. She was so excited she ran around yelling 'my kite dress! my kite dress!' once she had put it on. I just wish I had a better photo of Violet in it but it was all snatched, rushed shots on the iPhone yesterday.

Then all we needed was good friends and family. And a giant balloon in the shape of a number two.

I love everything about birthday parties. The excitement and the buildup, the frenzied fun, the glow afterwards. I love having Cherry and Violet involved in everything, and there was something deeply touching about their wild excitement on Friday when it was clear Violet was excited because Cherry was excited, and she knew she was having a 'birthday party' but she wasn't quite sure what a birthday party was.

Cherry was a solicitous older sister, accosting guests and demanding 'Have you brought a present for Violet?!' I am not sure how selfless her motivation was, truth be told. But she understood that it was Violet's party and Violet's day and that the presents and cards were for Violet, not for her. Although obviously she got to play with everything so she did pretty well out of her sister's second birthday.

After the party was officially 'over' (although several guests stayed for most of the afternoon) Violet finally got a ride on a home-made go-kart that's been left in the playground over the road for most of the summer. 

What little girl could ask for more? 

I hope they remember these parties, the fun and the adventure. As I put a very tired Cherry to bed she said to me 'I miss the party.' 

I remember exactly how that felt as a child. The excitement and anticipation of an event that's over and gone in a flash. Everything seems to happen on fast-foward. Like your younger child, your 'baby', turning two. 

It goes in the blink of an eye. 

A big small world

Cherry and I spend a lot of time talking at the moment. She loves it when I share anecdotes, thoughts and feelings from 'when I was a little girl' and it has surprised me how many of them I had all but forgotten, until now.

I have begun to notice that it is in the raising of my children that I can rediscover, and continue to discover, what I love to do.

I can grow.

Before children there was work and socialising, but it's been a long time since I had any real 'hobbies' outside of riding my bike.

When I tell Cherry what I did as a little girl it hits home just how much I used to enjoy, that I gradually let slide, for one reason or another.

How small my world became, when I thought it so large.

Now the reverse is true. My world could seem so very small, but it's bigger than it's ever been.

As I tend the garden at home, grow plants, flowers, herbs, fruit and vegetables and think about how great it all is for my children, it suddenly occurred to me how great it all is for me too.

I love gardening, I always did. I love going for long walks, the kind of walks I go for with Cherry and Violet now where we just dawdle and take our time and look at things and play with things and get absorbed in things and ask questions and think and learn.

Caring for our guinea pigs has rekindled my love of all creatures great and small, as has going out with Cherry and Violet and stopping to pet every dog and talk to his or her owner to find out all about them and spotting woodpeckers, squirrels, foxes and little robin redbreasts in the woods.

At gymnastics classes we all take turns - myself included - to vault over equipment, balance on beams, swing from the bars and tumble on crash mats.

When they paint, I paint too. I loved art as a kid and loved to draw and paint even though I knew I was 'no good' at it. Now our walls are covered in pictures painted by the children - and even some by me.

I've been thinking a lot about my identity lately. Enmeshed as it has become with my children. A small part of me feels a little bit of a letdown for becoming 'that mum' who has picked up that she is starting to live vicariously through her children.

It hit home when I looked at my Instagram feed and realised that I was sharing picture after picture of Cherry and Violet doing things that I love to do and want to do.

The much bigger part of me is glad I have noticed, but tolerant. With two such young children there was never going to be a huge amount of time and space left over for me.

But I have remembered just how much I loved - still love - to ride horses and chuck myself around on crash mats and it has occurred to me that there is no real reason why I can't do all of this too.

This time last year I was feeling reflective as I prepared for Violet to turn one. My overwhelming feeling was that I was just not ready.

I wasn't ready emotionally to leave the bittersweetness of the newborn days behind.

Now I can see what lies ahead. I can see it in glorious technicolour, moment after ordinary moment. I can see that it's not just my children who are blossoming, learning, growing.

I am too.

The walk to preschool

 Cherry has been going to a small Montessori preschool since last September. She goes three mornings a week, which gives our weeks together a shape and a routine.

The highlight of this is the walk to preschool. It's held in a church hall about a mile away, an easy walk down residential roads crossing one busier road, with a few good hills.

We are all early risers so getting out of the door in time is never a problem and our morning routine is predictable and fun. Cherry rides her little balance bike and I push Violet in the buggy, as although she's capable of the walk, it would be hard going getting us there in less than 90 minutes. As it is the journey can take up to 40 minutes and that suits me fine as it's just the best part of the day, by far.

We talk. We have names for each road - the straight road, the leafy road, the white flowers road, the road with the shiny stones. We observe and notice every slight difference. We discuss each difference in great detail, from the colours of the leaves to the goings-on in people's gardens.

We've passed exciting sights such as a broken down car, a toilet in somebody's garden, a cement mixer, a digger, a scratchy cat, several friendly cats, mushrooms growing up a tree stump, autumn blooms and berries, 'naked' winter trees and stoical evergreens, crocuses, snowdrops, daffodils, blossom, bluebells and now we're spoiled for choice as gardens explode into full bloom.

Sometimes there's roadworks and we have to find a different place to cross, and we talk about this in huge detail and speculate as to the reasons for the works. We watch red buses stop and pick up passengers and wonder where they might be going. We analyse the weather, ponder the chances of rain, wind, thunder, lightning, sunshine, snow and ice.

Cherry learned to read most letters in the alphabet by stopping at road signs and tracing the letters with her fingers, gradually recognising more and more of them. Sometimes we'll pass marks on the pavement or road and brainstorm as to how they got there. We talk about the seasons, identify cars (she can spot a Mini a mile off) and stop to pet passing dogs. Cherry has an excellent grasp of road safety, thanks to the amount of times we have crossed each familiar road and gone through the familiar routines of looking for cars. She tells me when it's safe to cross.

The walk is the same every day, but every day it's different. Something new will be waiting for us. Something will have changed.

I honestly think Cherry learns and absorbs more in these journeys than she does in preschool itself! (I don't mean any disrespect to preschool there, just that the rich opportunities a short walk offers really cannot be reproduced or bettered indoors) Violet joins in with our chats but mainly it's a time for Cherry and I.

I often give myself a hard time for not spending enough time one-on-one with Cherry, with Violet I obviously have the hours while Cherry is at pre-school but time alone with my older daughter is scarce. Until I thought about the walks to preschool and realised, that's our one-on-one time.

When I think about what I will miss when the inevitable happens (at the moment I'm completely in denial about Cherry and school) these little walks will be top of the list.

Living Arrows 14/52

Spring is here! Actually here, not 'the sun shone for 15 minutes' here. So I dressed my crazy girls for sunshine and fun, let them play in thickest mud, and took them to the edge of the world.

I'm really glad I was honest about finding parts of last week tough, and about my ongoing quest to stop yelling at my children. It makes weeks like this, when we're all beautifully connected and in perfect harmony, so much sweeter when I acknowledge the hard as well as the good.

There's so much I want to remember from today, from the yellow brimstone butterflies we saw to Cherry's fierce and intense concentration as she played with a few stones and a stick for hours, conjuring personalities and stories from wood and earth.

A beautiful happy day with my beautiful happy daughters.

Easter in Yorkshire and slowing down

We spent Easter with Noel's family in Doncaster. This was actually our first visit since Violet was a very young baby and I was excited for the girls to spend some time with this side of their family, my side currently being camped out in Singapore.

It's amazing how much more you notice when you are with children - well I find I do anyway. I notice and learn so much not only about the children but also about myself, and about Noel, and about our dynamic as a family.

The main thing I noticed this break was how much more rewarding life, travel and everything in between is when you slow down and take the time to pay attention.

Noel and I consciously chose to slow down to our children's pace when Cherry began walking. It's a very adult trait to hurry and rush your child along, to hurtle to the destination for no purpose other than because that's where you're going.

The day we realised that for Cherry (and now Violet too) the journey usually is the destination, and the fun part, was the day we vowed to never hurry or harry our children. Instead we do things on 'Cherry time' or as it is now, 'Cherry and Violet time'.

(That said the actual car journey to Doncaster was a little too unhurried even for our liking, six and a half hours of relatively relentless queues and roadworks. Fortunately both Cherry and Violet are pretty good travellers.)

In slowing down and taking things at Cherry and Violet's pace this weekend I saw:

My older daughter gritting her teeth and setting her jaw in determination as she struggled to master swinging off a hanging rope. I think left to her own devices she'd still be there now!

My younger daughter's attachment needs loom large before my eyes as she asked for far more holding, cuddles, feeding, love and attention from me than 'normal'. I made a mental note to pack the sling for Singapore! We haven't done much babywearing recently, mostly Violet walks everywhere or goes (reluctantly) in the buggy for short distances. Being out and about for full days she was much more keen to be carried.

How Noel and I often go home too early. This is partly a throwback to days when Cherry still napped, and we tried to coincide coming home with her nap or make sure we were home in time for her to nap. And if I'm honest it's partly because sometimes Cherry can be something of a slow-burner when it comes to days out. She's always been a child that takes time to settle in - then once settled, she doesn't want to go home! But on the days when it takes her a really long time to settle, it can be much easier to just pack up and go after an hour or two than stick it out for the entire day.

How easily and happily both Noel and I wander off the beaten track, follow our own and our children's noses and find new and interesting things to do. Our willingness to explore and enjoy the journey rather than rush to the destination is one of our greatest strengths as a family and I felt really proud of all of us this weekend.

How uncomfortable and anxious Cherry can be when she feels nervous, overwhelmed or in unfamiliar and unexpected circumstances. We all want to see the best in our children, but I feel it's important to see children for who they truly are too.

That sharing a queen-sized bed with a restless Violet and a poorly Noel does not make for a good night's sleep!

That children really do know family. We haven't spent huge amounts of time with Noel's family, and since Violet was born even less, but both children seem to understand that the people we were surrounded by meant something and were truly connected to them.

That it's lucky I had promised I wasn't going to stress about bedtimes and sleep, because both girls were awake until nearly 9pm and up and about at 6. It's nice to let them stay up later and see them enjoy themselves - but I think they will need a few earlier nights this week!

Somehow time is flying by and we leave for Singapore in less than a month. In the spirit of honesty I freely admit I am both hugely excited and more than a little anxious about our impending trip. A few days in Yorkshire actually went a long way towards settling some of my concerns about our upcoming six weeks on the other side of the world.

I was reminded of how fundamentally adaptable children are and how much easier everything is when you slow down and take time to explore as opposed to stick to the pre-ordained path and hurtle to the finish line.

As incredibly grateful as I am for the opportunity to travel and see more of the world with our children, I can't deny that the trip does feel like a huge undertaking - not least the 13 hour flight home with both children but without Noel! But I am confident if I take things on Cherry and Violet time I will be up to the challenge.

Living Arrows 13/52

Clearly I was being a bit optimistic in writing about our Easter plans! Three days in and these two have run me ragged. We've seen friends and had some fun but there's also been a fair bit of fighting and screaming (from them) and far too much yelling (from me) (and them!).

I absolutely loathe myself when I yell at my children and have seriously worked so hard to keep it to a bare minimum. Ideally I would never yell at all as I do recognise it's pointless, and it models awful behaviour and habits to them. 

I certainly yell infrequently, and I never shout abuse or insults or say anything I would regret later (although once a long time ago I told Cherry 'I'm sick of you!' and for weeks later she kept repeating 'I'm sick of you!' in an irate tone to her toy pig and I felt JUST AWFUL about it. I did apologise to her and tell her that I shouldn't have said it and it was wrong and not true, but safe to say I've learned my lesson and have never said anything since that could come back to haunt me). 

But sometimes I do get to a stage whereby I can't help but get snappy and raise my voice. Afterwards I feel beside myself with guilt and like I'm the worst mother in the world and the only parent ever who yells at her kids.

The worst thing about yelling is I know it's pointless. I don't yell because I think it will get my children to do what I am asking them to do or because I want their attention and I don't have it. I do it because I've become so frustrated or irritated or ground down or wound up or just so exhausted I feel I have no other outlet but to yell. 

It's not their fault I don't always have the energy to stay calm and patient and it's not their fault that I struggle to contain their emotions on top of my own sometimes. I'm not exactly yelling for their benefit either! I don't think any of us really believe that yelling is a useful way of communicating with our children - some people do say 'it's the only way to get them to listen' but I don't find that to be the case. The only way to get my children to listen is to get down on their level, make eye contact and speak to them in a manner and tone they can understand and relate to.

All yelling does is upset all of us. Essentially it's me having a tantrum, which is something at 34 I should really be past by now. I hope one day I will be. I hope one day very soon! And I will keep working towards that goal in the mean time. 

But I do think it's important that I acknowledge and move on rather than beat myself up for it for days on end because that helps nobody either. Honestly, parenting is like some kind of crash-course in all the life skills I didn't even know I was lacking! 

Easter list

(I'm going to try not to be deterred by the fact that as I write this, rain is hammering steadfastly on the window)

Holidays can actually be quite lonely with very young children. We have only lived in this area since 2013, and making friends in the hectic first year of life with a young toddler and a baby isn't particularly easy.

But I had family around the corner so as long as they were around we had company. Then, as readers of my blog will know, my family moved to Singapore last November. This Easter my parents are out there visiting, which means we will not be able to go to Granny's during the holidays, another failsafe.

I have worked hard since my family left at building new friendships and Cherry going to pre-school has helped enormously. We are booked up for several days with friends, we have neighbours we can call in on or meet at the playground out the front, and we're spending the Easter weekend itself with Noel's family.

And Cherry is truly blossoming as a social being, delighting in the company of her friends (in particular one little boy who, to my joy, seems as inherently silly in his nature as she).

But a part of me does still feel anxious that I will feel lonely over Easter. Holidays are a time for family as much as friends and I feel the absence of my sister-in-law, who was for years my dearest and closest friend, and my niece and nephew as well as of course my brother.

I think the isolation of early motherhood - as I experienced it anyway - is hard to just leave behind especially when some of the few people who were there during the very early years now live on the other side of the world.

The more I talk to mothers I get to know mainly through Cherry's pre-school the more common I find this sense of isolation to be. Lots of us seem to feel we are the only ones who get lonely, imagining our fellow stay-at-home mums to have circles of friends and coffee-dates galore.

In fact all the above thinking relates to a really good idea I had recently about which I will talk more soon, but this is intended to be a post about our plans for Easter!

So far our Easter list includes:

Making gingerbread eggs to decorate an Easter 'tree' - Easter trees seem to be a thing and our local garden centre is full of gorgeous pastel delights. I love this post from one of my absolute favourite blogs Seeds and Stitches and since my children are obsessed with collecting sticks and twigs I thought we could do something similar. I do think however were I to offer up a non-edible dough to make the decorations my children would probably pack their bags and leave, so instead of salt dough we'll use a gingerbread recipe (probably this one replacing the sugar and golden syrup with honey, maple syrup or agave so I can fatuously pretend it's sugar-free).

Making Easter eggs for Noel's family - we will melt down ordinary milk chocolate and use egg moulds to make our own mini eggs and some raw chocolate eggs for me so I don't miss out!

Making Easter bonnets - a classic! Noel stocked up with everything we need from Hobbycraft.

Some fun science experiments - since I discovered Science Sparks I have been dying to attempt some simple experiments with the girls. I love how everything can be done with ordinary store cupboard ingredients, although I am going to need to stock up on bicarbonate of soda and food colouring as Cherry also wants to….

Dye eggs - I can't really see the point of this but I concede it's very pretty and decorative. Cherry is really excited about what she calls 'eggs and colours' which is basically dyeing eggs with food colouring. We've tried it a couple of times but the effect on ordinary brown hen's eggs is pretty poor. Our local greengrocer has started selling lovely big white duck eggs so I think we will invest in a few of them and make Cherry's dreams come true.

Visit our nearest museum, the Honeywood which is running an exhibition of local artists, and the Horniman which we have been to several times and absolutely LOVE, mainly for the gardens I confess and the aquarium if only because Violet calls fish 'ish' and it's super cute.

Our last visit to the Horniman, when Violet was still in my tummy. Look at that little girl!

Make a paper boat mobile. An idea I have seen on several sites, most recently on one of my favourite blogs The Ordinary Lovely. I think paper cranes are probably outside my origami ability at the moment so we'll probably stick to boats. Yet another use for those infernal sticks.

Visit nearby National Trust sites and properties Box Hill, Morden Hall Park and Polesden Lacey. Earlier this year I took the girls to Box Hill for a breakfast picnic (basically granola on the side of the hill) and we all loved it, so given that they are up and about by 6am at the latest I think we'll repeat that little exercise again.

Go back to our community allotments. One of the nicest things we did last summer was start going to drop-in sessions at the community allotments every week. We met some nice friends and the group is very generous so we always left loaded down with gorgeous fruit and veg the girls (well, Cherry) had helped to pick.

And my personal Easter list includes:

Spend some time with Noel! As we're spending Easter weekend with his family I think we will be taking advantage of the in-laws for a few hours and going off for a much-needed lunch and bit of time just the two of us.

Not stress about bedtimes and general routines. Normally I like the girls in bed super-early (as they get up super-early and YES WE HAVE TRIED letting them stay up later and guess what? THEY STILL GET UP SUPER-EARLY) but over the holidays I don't really want to feel we 'should' be home by a certain time. They can catch up the sleep elsewhere. Cherry will occasionally throw in a nap if she needs it, or they can have an earlier night the next night. I'm not above putting my kids to bed at 5.30pm.

I loved this quote from Adrienne Rich, which I discovered via Lucy's always-brilliant blog, and it has helped me really change the way I look at routines.

Sadly I, like Adrienne herself, am not quite brave enough to embrace such a radical attitude in our everyday life outside of the holidays. I feel I need some predictability and if I'm honest, some time out from my children! I could quite easily find myself parenting from 5.30am when my children get up to gone 9pm were I to throw all routine out of the window, with the children catnapping on the go or separately, allowing me absolutely zero time 'off duty'.

As they are getting older and less bedtime-resistant I hope that we can move towards an equilibrium where the children are attuned to their own body clocks - but the upshot isn't me being hotly in demand for 14 hours a day and completely exhausted as a result!

And finally to catch up on some favourite blogs old and new. My current favourite new discoveries are Revolution from Home and Hands-Free Mama, and you can read about my more established favourites here should you so desire.

Happy Easter! Here's hoping the rain stops. And for no reason here's a picture of Cherry circa 20 months old, because it occurred to me today that Violet's coming up to the age Cherry was when she became a big sister and I got a bit soppy about it all and wondered when this little baby suddenly became such a grown-up girl.