Love and 100 miles

RideLondon100 has been a milestone in my vision since its inception three years ago.

I took a place for Tommy's, the baby charity, last year and began training. It was stressful and I didn't enjoy it one bit. Getting my strength and fitness back after two pregnancies and births in quick succession, getting my confidence back, and finding the time to rack up the miles felt like another chore on the list, another thing making life difficult.

So I deferred my place to 2015. As luck would have it my lovely friend Kerry Bircher from Revolution Cycling came to me with an absolutely brilliant training programme with a fantastic bunch of women, and so my fate for 2015 was sealed. I was Riding London, and Noel signed up to join me and help raise more cash for Tommy's.

Training was tough but brought huge victories for me, mastering cleats at last, the first time I rode more than 50 miles, the last long ride I did before RideLondon when I breezed down to my parents house via a roundabout route of about 55 miles barely breaking a sweat. Getting to know the amazing women I rode with every month and watching us all progress and become stronger, faster and fitter.

Perhaps because I had built the ride up so much in my head I was pretty nervous all Saturday, and on Sunday morning as Noel and I lined up with the dawn, I was excited but fearful. Fear has been a real theme for me this year, and it was there on Sunday. I was afraid for Noel, who had a stomach bug and was unsure if he could go the distance. I was afraid for myself, unsure if I could really get round the course in the time allowed. 

But courage has also been a bit of a theme for me this year. Noel led the way with great courage in even starting the ride with a stomach bug and as soon as we got going the adrenaline carried him through. And me. I have never ridden so fast - the first 20 miles absolutely flew by and we notched up half of the distance in just three hours. I think we both felt a bit apprehensive that it felt too easy, and more than once we told each other we wouldn't be able to keep up with our blistering early pace.

We didn't get the chance to find out, as my phone battery packed in and my Strava with it, and we were delayed for a very long time at Leith Hill and for shorter periods through Dorking and at Headley. By the time we were able to pick up the pace again, just outside Esher, we were pretty well rested from a slow, stop-start 30 miles or so. The final 20 miles flew by. Noel nearly vomited as we approached the Mall (gels + protein bars + stomach bug = not comfortable) but the utterly epic finish proved the best medicine of all and we finished, as we rode, strong and together. Holding hands, actually. Why not eh?

Riding 100 miles with my best friend, having raised a four-figure sum of money for an amazing charity, is hard to beat. I will not forget it in a hurry and having shared the experience with Noel makes it truly special.

I also want to say a huge THANK YOU to every single person who cheered us on. The streets of London, Dorking and Kingston were lined with noisy, enthusiastic spectators and cheering squads from all the major charities, and it made all the difference. Most of the quiet country roads were full of spectators camped out to enjoy the show, and their support really lifted all of us. It was unforgettable.

Noel pointed out it's probably the most time we've spent together without children since we first had them. I certainly can't remember feeling closer or more connected to him. Although I'm sure he could have ridden the course much faster even with an upset stomach, the fact that he stayed by my side the entire way round means more to me than I can put into words.

Our page is still open if you would like to sponsor us and help us raise even more for Tommy's.

Living Arrows 14/52

Spring is here! Actually here, not 'the sun shone for 15 minutes' here. So I dressed my crazy girls for sunshine and fun, let them play in thickest mud, and took them to the edge of the world.

I'm really glad I was honest about finding parts of last week tough, and about my ongoing quest to stop yelling at my children. It makes weeks like this, when we're all beautifully connected and in perfect harmony, so much sweeter when I acknowledge the hard as well as the good.

There's so much I want to remember from today, from the yellow brimstone butterflies we saw to Cherry's fierce and intense concentration as she played with a few stones and a stick for hours, conjuring personalities and stories from wood and earth.

A beautiful happy day with my beautiful happy daughters.

Living Arrows 12/52

Look at me being all on time with Living Arrows!

I took so many photos of my daughters this week - making up for the lack of choice last week. They're both so very beautiful to me, in their very different ways.

These photos of Cherry are up there with the best photos I've ever taken. They really sum her up, her innocence and radiance, her sense of wonder, and her flamboyant nature.

And these shots of Violet just make me melt. She had a whole 'chat' on the phone to Granny while I was taking them. I don't know many people who could wear a pair of Thomas the Tank Engine PJ's like Violet.

Living Arrows 11/52

When I looked at my phone this week I was really disappointed I didn't have more photos to choose from! I've been really focusing on photography recently and trying to take more, and better, pictures. So it was a little bit of a shame that the pictures I eventually chose for this week have both been on my Instagram feed (I'm cathybussey1 if you want to come say hi) and I didn't have a big pool of shots like I normally do.

We've all been very busy lately. Noel is frantic at work tying up lots of loose ends before he starts his new job and I've been flat out with various errands and general life admin, applying for passports for me and Violet, finally getting around to registering us with new doctors (we moved in November! NOVEMBER!) and various other bits of paper-based faff. I'm also working on a project until the end of April that's taking up all of the time I have available to work (and more besides). It should be my last project though, after this I have no more client work and I am not looking for more.

So life feels a bit like we are hurtling towards the end of some kind of era. It'll be the end of Noel working only four days a week, from May he will be back full-time and he will lose those Fridays with the children that he and they (and I) have so enjoyed. It will be the absolute end of me working as a freelance copywriter for the foreseeable future, and it all ends/begins with a trip to Singapore at the end of April! Exciting times, busy times, slightly scary times if I'm honest.

This week Cherry had two playdates with six different children. I have mentioned before we live in my brother's house (he and his family now live in Singapore hence our planned trip!) and I am beyond grateful for the space. It's a lovely house, with plenty of room for us to host and entertain, and I feel like I want to extend the generosity my brother has shown us to all of our friends and family. I want my house full of friends and family and the children's friends all the time! We live in an expensive part of the country and space is at a premium, thanks to my brother we are lucky enough to have a fantastic garden plus a wonderful and safe space at the front which includes a playground. I feel I want to share it with as many people as I can, so they can benefit from the simple gift of space and time outdoors with their children.

In that spirit we invited Cherry's current favourite little friend (and, I think, crush!) Harry L and his little sister to play, then a day later we had a playdate with some of her friends from pre-school and their younger siblings. It's been quite tiring I have to say, but amazing fun. I love watching Cherry with her friends and seeing her become a social being. She's very interesting, I think she is quite introverted (as in fact I suspect am I). She can perform and entertain beautifully and quite flamboyantly when she wants to but I think she draws her real essence and energy from time alone or time in smaller groups.

I am really fascinated as these sides of her self and her personality begin to emerge. I can't deny I do worry about Cherry, she's a very sensitive soul and socially she is probably behind many children her age, but I think this worry is normal. Certainly every parent I've spoken to this week worries about their child or one of their children in one way or another - for being not social enough, for being too sociable, children can't win really!

Violet, bless her, gets sort of stuck with the younger siblings of Cherry's friends at the moment! But her big love is Cherry anyway so wherever Cherry is, V wants to be. I am looking forward to watching her blossom as a social being too, I find her much more resilient and confident than her big sister, less passionate and vulnerable. They are such amazing girls, I am so glad to have them.

Here you are rocking your new t-shirt from Little Bird by Jools, which I absolutely LOVE. In fact I love this whole outfit and wish I could wear it too. I chose this picture of you because you look super-cool, just chilling out on your chicken. You are such a picture, miss Cherry, such a person.

And you, my little flower. Ah V. Aren't you just a little joy. I love your little curls in this picture, your hair is so amazing to me. When you were born you had loads of black hair, just like Cherry. But unlike Cherry, you then didn't grow any hair for nearly a year. You were pretty bald, bless you. Then all of a sudden you were a little blonde curly-locks! What a sight for sore eyes you are. 

Travel and children: Living the dream closer to home

I wrote a piece for the Telegraph's Men section this week. Frustratingly cycling content, unless it is specifically related just to women, is filed under 'men'. SIGH. Anyway, I happened to be browsing the men's section to see if my piece had gone up yet (you can read it here if you so desire) and I found this piece on travelling with children.

It's a really great read that is actually becoming a bit familiar. Among the online circles I haunt a fair few families have had the courage to rip up the rulebook and follow their dreams.

Being the kind of person who tends to want to BE the people she admires, immediately I also want a VW Camper and a spirit of adventure. I want Noel to take a sabbatical from work, I want us to pack up and off we will go.

Only we don't have a VW camper and I don't know if Noel could get a sabbatical and we've never really travelled and I'm not sure, truth be told, that I'm the travelling type.

I'm not sure I'm not, but I'm pretty terrified of flying. Also I'm not really that interested in sightseeing and bargaining in markets in Marrakech (isn't that what travellers do?) and I don't smoke pot or want to lose myself on a beach in Thailand and I think I'd probably prefer a nice hotel to a camper van and insert 90's travelling cliche here.

And I love our home and our community and our family life here. And sometimes the best part of the day for me comes after I've been out in the cold and the mud with the children and we can come home and climb into a hot bubble bath together and then put on our pyjamas and watch Frozen.

None of this rules out travel but it's probably something I think we would need to work up to. Noel might not even want to, I've never really discussed it with him, because it's only just become That Thing I Have To Do and between you and me, I'm a bit faddy.

But there are a few signs pointing to travel becoming more of a force in our lives in the coming years.

We will be going to Singapore in May to stay with our family, and the girls and I will be staying for about a month after Noel heads back. With family based there for the foreseeable future it's a great springboard to the other side of the world.

I could probably place much more travel content now than I could have done a year or two ago.

We have just over 18 months before Cherry starts school and our travel options are limited - but that said I wouldn't think twice about taking her out of or delaying school to travel. Noel might have different ideas of course, again, it's not really come up yet.

I could write a book about our travels with our children.

I now own a travellers notebook - I mean of all the signs, this is surely the biggest?

What is it about the idea of travelling with children that appeals so much? Logistically speaking it could be a bloody nightmare, all four of you crammed into a tiny camper van alongside all the minutae of family life, the parts that you spread between the four walls of your house, bundled together and compressed into such a small, in our case probably quite smelly space.

I can feel I have no space and no headspace living in a roomy three-bed semi. What would I feel like in a VW camper?

But I do recognise it's day-to-day life, and the obligations and burdens we put upon ourselves, that make us feel cramped, not the physical details of where we live.

Outside the camper van, is the world.

We could all see things we never thought we'd see, try things we never thought we'd do, we could learn so much about ourselves and each other, the world around us. We could be so free, and our children so wild, the world their teacher, the classroom chalkboard (or electronic screen as I suppose it is now) and having to raise your hand if you want to go to the toilet a million miles away.

I love the idea of my children experiencing freedom - true freedom - and of the children that still live in often quite pronounced ways within Noel and I getting to do the same. I can't speak for him but my inner child would love a year or so running wild and free. I would look like I do in this picture ALL THE TIME, windswept and romantic and faraway and knowing and wise.

So far we've managed two holidays since the children were born - one lovely week in a villa in the South of France with a six-month-old Cherry and a week in the Lake District last April which was summed up quite accurately by Noel as 'knackering and really, really hard work in a different house'.

We've certainly never attempted anything as down-to-earth as camping yet, although it's definitely on the to-do list. But having never even spent a night under canvas as a family, twelve months in a VW feels like a stretch at the  moment.

One thing I often think about the fantasy of travel is that we can dream we will become different people, our cares and worries will melt away, but in truth you're always still you, you're just you in a VW camper.

There's also still so much to be discovered and seen and learned in the country in which we currently reside.

Forests and hills and mountains and trees and beaches and cobbled streets and flea markets and adventures to be had right on our doorsteps.

There's a museum less than two miles from our front door.

There's an ecology centre, a community allotment, a co-operative farm, art galleries, lavender fields, festivals, fairs and poetry readings. We live within 20 minutes of London. Two hours from the coast.

There are adventures to be had every single day, if we want them.

Travelling and learning and exploring are a state of mind as much as about physical location.

There's a world outside our front door, so much I can show the children and so much I can learn to see through their eyes.

The idea of travelling the world is so very big, but often we're so preoccupied with the big things we forget the things that are small. Outside our front door.

We can live the dream right here. And I can find out if it's really a VW camper and a year globetrotting I want, or if it's just the idea and the promise of becoming a different, and of course infinitely happier person, that I'm so drawn to.

*This post is not sponsored by VW. Other camper vans are available.

Living Arrows 4/52 and 5/52

I'm late with these already! Where does time go? I had a meeting with some friends on Box Hill to discuss a really exciting cycling project at the end of January, all of a sudden it's practically mid-Feb and I realised I haven't even got back to them. Such is life with two children. The days used to be long and the years short, now the days aren't even long any more.

4/52

Little one. Aren't you just a joy, a treat? You might be back to your old tricks sleeping (or rather waking) but how can I hold it against you? Your favourite word at the moment is 'silly'. Everything is silly. 'Silly Derry! Silly mama! Silly At-dat!' (you can't say Violet yet) You're very physically adept, you've started running and even jumping! It always amazes me how much you can do. I find you do things very quickly, but I'm not sure how much of that is you being a quick little stick and how much of it is you having a big sister to copy. One thing's for sure, you're determined. You want to be doing EVERYTHING Cherry is doing and you won't let anything stop you. 

I really don't want to force my interests and passions onto you but I am so, so glad you love being outdoors as much as I do. You barely feel the cold, and as long as you've had enough to eat and drink (VITAL) you are the most energetic and outdoorsy little person. You can't spy a hill without running up it. We went to Box Hill for a breakfast picnic and all the way there all you talked about was running up the hill. Look at you go, mighty girl! This was also the day we heard the woodpecker in the woods, and the next day you came home from preschool with your own woodpecker made from a cardboard tube, a bit of paper and a pasta twirl for a beak. 

5/52

I couldn't resist snapping you playing at a lovely cafe in a nearby park. They have a gorgeous illustration on the wall and you were just in the right spot for the fox ears. You and your sister were SO funny, you charmed the entire cafe and had everybody in stitches with your antics. I love your dynamic, you're both natural entertainers and love an audience, and you can really spark off each other to put on a show. I lose count of the amount of people who are charmed and entertained, by you two. Sometimes people compliment your dad and I on your behaviour and I have learned to take these compliments at face value and smile. In truth they make me uncomfortable, you are both normal, healthy children with strong wills and very defiant streaks and I hate the idea that people would think you 'do as you're told' or any other behavioural values I don't want to nurture in you. You don't 'do as you're told' because I don't 'tell' you. I ask politely and you usually co-operate. Sometimes you don't, but we always work out a solution in the end. It's very different from you 'doing as you're told' although often to outsiders it can look that way. 

You really, really wanted to get your bike up that hill! It was hard work and the bike is quite heavy and the hill was steep and muddy. More than once you screamed that you couldn't do it, you howled with frustration, you fell onto your bottom again and again. But you got that bike up that hill. One of your defining characteristics is your persistence. You're like a dog with a bone, you find it hard to let go, give up and give in. You needed every ounce of that amazing persistence today. It's incredible to see you empower yourself like this and I had to distract myself with your sister to stop myself from rushing to your aid and taking your feelings and your moment away from you. 
After you'd hauled the bike all the way up to the top you decided to bring it back down again which was another tough physical challenge, but you were so pumped you picked the bike up and carried all the way across the grass to the pathway. Your whole body language had changed, you were as confident and powerful as an Olympic athlete doing a lap of honour. It's a privilege to watch these moments and bear witness to the making of a girl. 

Living Arrows 2/52

Oh just look at you. Look at you! You fell asleep in the buggy on the way back from a mini playdate while Cherry was at pre-school. When we got home I left you asleep and put on a workout DVD. Halfway through you woke up. You toddled in and stood watching me for a while, not sure what to make of all the jumping about. Then you said 'Eep. Eep. (Sleep)' I asked if you wanted to sit on the sofa with a nice and warm (what we call blankets thanks to Cherry!) and you nodded. So on you got, with your 'warm' and Spag P, who used to be Cherry's favourite and seems to have found favour with you too. You chatted to him while I finished my workout. "Ba Pee! Ba Pee! Eeep? Warm?'

No competition for my favourite image of you this week. I took about 100 pictures of you with Trigger. Every time I watch you ride a pony my heart bursts with a mixture of pride and longing and hope that you will inherit my deep love of our four-legged friends. The signs are promising and you're fearless even though Trigger is a good 14.3hh. I find it particularly emotional watching you ride this gorgeous old boy, as long ago in the mists of time when I was 19 I spent my holidays from university working in a livery yard breaking and schooling young horses, and one of the horses I worked with was none other than good old Trigger. I had a ride on him too, just for fun. If you'd told me back then I'd one day pay £1 to be led around by a 14-year-old on a horse I backed and schooled myself, I'd have laughed my head off. 

Two children and me

Every now and again I read a blog by a parent of two (or more) children about how much easier it gets. Once you're past the newborn stage/sleep regression/crawling/whatever, they claim, you suddenly realise life is getting back to normal and you're not quite as knackered and feral and dependent on Hob Nobs as you once were.

What really terrifies me is these blogs are often written by parents with second children younger than mine.

I've got to say I don't share their sentiments.

Here's my take on the first year (and a bit) with two kids.

0-3m. Easy peasy

You're terrified about how you're going to cope with a toddler and a newborn but what you've forgotten is that newborns DON'T MOVE. Or talk, or do anything really, other than sleep and cuddle and eat and smile. Well, my newborn did, anyway. My main memories of this golden hazy time involve going to the park with an energetic but happy toddler and a sleeping baby in a sling. We often had lunch out, and lunch for Violet was always on me. Even with potty learning to contend with life was easy streets. I had this two kids thing totally nailed, although I was curious about what would happen when Cherry turned two not long after V hit…

3-6m. Manageable

At around 12 weeks V started to show her personality, which was contented, happy, loving and cuddlesome. At around 16 weeks she started to wake a lot at night. I though this was just 4m sleep regression plus cutting her first four teeth, and I was in general pretty well rested thanks to Cherry sleeping through at night and napping 2-3 hours a day. V also didn't like being put down much but that was OK too - what are slings for, after all? Admittedly leaving the house was a bit of an effort, but other than that I still totally HAD this parenting two kids thing.

6-9m. Intense

Shit, the baby's sitting up. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? I'm fairly certain with Cherry I practically had a day chart. I only found out V could sit up when she started doing it EVERY TIME SHE WOKE UP AT NIGHT, which is A LOT. And she's eating solid foods and I'm a baby-led weaning fan, so there's MESS EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. It's all very well saying 'just leave the mess and concentrate on your children' but it's quite tricky/life-endangering navigating a floor full of Lego, puzzles, books, half-eaten apples, bits of banana, breast pads, drinks, dirty nappies, felt-tipped pens and used potties with a baby in your arms and a bare-assed toddler following you chattering nineteen to the dozen. But it's all fine, once she can crawl it'll all settle down. And once the two-year-old decides that going to bed at night isn't the end of the world. And that in general, one does have to put trousers and knickers on in order to leave the house. But it'll be fine once V is…

9-12. Relentless.

Crawling. Then standing. Then cruising. Cherry can't just go somewhere else now if V's bothering her or if she doesn't want to 'share' with her sister because V CAN FOLLOW HER. I give up any hope of V, and therefore me, ever sleeping again. The mess is unfathomable, the volume of laundry inexplicable. I repeatedly wash a pair of grey knickers that don't appear to belong to anybody at all but are apparently permanently soaked in something that could be urine, could be drool, could be tears, could be snot, most likely is all of the above and more. But that's OK because everybody knows it gets easier once the baby turns….

12-15m. Hardcore.

Ah, the old 'it gets easier after they turn one' chestnut. What part of having a one-year-old and two-year-old is supposed to be 'easier', though? The one-year old starting to walk and being able to talk? The four molars she cuts in three weeks? The understanding what will wind up the two-year-old and doing it, repeatedly, then running away giggling? The firing endless breastmilk into the ether because she's too busy for more than about three sucks a day, but she feeds so frequently at night you've still got the milk supply of a Jersey cow? Both of them repeatedly turning off the Hoover and giggling madly as I frantically try and avoid our home descending into the kind of filth some people would pay good money to watch on the TV? The sheer effort of getting a contrary two-year-old who doesn't want to go out then doesn't want to go home once you ARE out into the few items of clothing she will actually deign to wear, not to mention a constantly on-the-go, wriggling, squirming one-year-old who has FAR better things to do than get dressed, have her nappy changed and put on some shoes? THE TWO OR THREE HOURS SLEEP YOU GET A NIGHT?!

15m+. Mayhem

I can't comment on the rest of this stage as V is approaching 16m and Cherry is about to turn three. But the signs for it 'getting easier' aren't good. I now have two children so bursting with energy and joy and excitement that sometimes it's rather like herding puppies out of the house and watching them gambol away onto the frosty grass. I now have to field questions like 'Mummy, why is my fanny a vagina?' while the one-year-old staggers towards the dishwasher, finger outstretched, intoning 'BEEP! BEEP!', pushes all the buttons to set it on a fruitless rinse cycle, then turns and heads towards the cupboard with the battle cry 'SNACK BAR! SNACK BAR!'. I spend my days quite often laughing until I cry and, occasionally, crying until I laugh. Going ANYWHERE takes 100 years as you might have thought almost three-year-olds walk slowly, but I respectfully remind you they have nothing on almost-16-month-olds.

I now have two fully formed little people and the shoulder-busting responsibility of helping them to learn and understand how to live in the world.

I can honestly say that for me life with two children has got harder. It's not bad hard - it's good hard, the best kind of hard. It's deeply rewarding and joyful. But it's exhausting and emotionally draining and maddening and frustrating and sloooooow and flying by in equal measure.

It could be the age gap, it could just be my choices that are making it harder, not easier. But I suppose life is about choice, and the life I want isn't necessarily what's immediate and easy for myself or my children.

Joy, happiness and fulfilment, for me, don't come from quick fixes and solutions to ages and stages dressed up as 'problems'. I decided some time ago that my career can wait, but my children can't. They will only be this young for a very short period of time, comparatively speaking.

Thank Christ.