A homemade dress

Last Sunday I spent all day making a dress for Cherry. I haven't sewn in years, other than a Christmas stocking three years ago the last thing I made was probably an outfit for the Best Dressed Doll category at the local village flower show.

(My mother and I decided to enter the category after seeing a cute pattern for a floral pinafore and we sewed the whole thing ourselves. I was involved in the entire process including using my mother's old Singer sewing machine, so it was very amateurish, and we still remember to this day the judges' comments were 'A little girl's dream - but very badly sewn.')

After I bought Violet her birthday dress from Wild Things Dresses I totally fell in love with Kirsty's style and when I saw she had a book out I bought it on impulse. Then I started looking for fabrics online and before I knew it I had two metres of stunning apple-print fabric, a metre of yellow cotton poplin and some contrasting blue thread sat at home next to my mother's sewing machine.

They sat for a fair few weeks, staring at me and I started to think 'I'm never going to make that dress'. I am full of great ideas that never materialise, plans and projects that never come to fruition, blogposts that never get written. It bothers me massively and I wanted to do something to prove to myself that I could see something through.

So out came the sewing machine, which I had forgotten entirely how to even thread, and I found a manual online, threaded the machine and made the dress in a day.

I loved every second of it. It was absorbing in a way that is hard to come by in a modern age of constant switching - from screen to laptop to phone to Kindle - and in an era of motherhood that is utterly defined by being constantly, endlessly interrupted, usually to wipe up a sticky substance of some kind. It was also tiring and once I was finished I felt slightly like I didn't know what to do with myself. It's been a very, very long time since I was able to get so involved and wrapped up in a project.

Cherry has barely taken it off since I presented it to her. As soon as she saw it her face lit up and she asked to wear it immediately and put apples in the pocket. She tells everybody who admires the dress that I made it for her. It's just adorable and I feel really glad that I have this time, this age when she is so grateful for my efforts. I'm fairly certain by the time she's in her teens should I dare present her with a (admittedly fairly badly) home-made effort she will be outraged.

But for now - she is thrilled. She doesn't care a jot that the stitching could be a bit (much) better and the hem isn't even and the straps don't quite match and  the billion and one other things that are far, far from perfect. She just loves her apple dress that her Mummy made for her, with the caveat of course, 'and one for Violet?'

A birthday party

Noel and I absolutely love throwing birthday parties for Cherry and Violet. Helping create a magical day for them is one of the nicest things about having children and we're both big believers in making it all about the experience rather than presents.

At this age they are both still really happy with homemade parties, and have yet to start demanding Frozen parties or soft-play parties or similar. I'm sure as they get older the challenge will be making these themed events charming, but for now as long as there's balloons, cake, family and friends everybody is happy.

After a bit of thought Noel came up with the idea of holding Violet's party in the little wooded glade opposite our house. It's already a beautiful space but with a bit of bunting, some balloons and a tiny bouncy castle it became really enchanting.

(The only thing I find about hosting birthday parties is I am always so busy tearing around I have no time to take photos during the event itself, so most of these pictures are 'before' or 'after' shots)

We like to involve Cherry and Violet as much as possible in making decisions about the party, what food they would like, what kind of cake and so on. Violet chose an angel cake from my Annie Bell cake book to decorate with Smarties, sweeties and sprinkles.

The decoration of the cake has become a tradition for birthday parties and Cherry and Violet really, really believe that more is more.

We kept the food quite simple, cheese and cucumber sandwiches, jam sandwiches, fruit salad, breadsticks and hummus, party rings (Cherry's suggestion), juice and, as requested by Violet, sweeties. We put out grown-up sandwiches, a few drinks and nibbles for the adults.

Violet chose the pink tablecloth, party plates, cups and cutlery, napkins, some blue paper party bags and a few little fun fillers all from good old Asda. I chose her dress as she absolutely loves kites. It's from Wild Things Dresses and I love it SO much I could cry. She was so excited she ran around yelling 'my kite dress! my kite dress!' once she had put it on. I just wish I had a better photo of Violet in it but it was all snatched, rushed shots on the iPhone yesterday.

Then all we needed was good friends and family. And a giant balloon in the shape of a number two.

I love everything about birthday parties. The excitement and the buildup, the frenzied fun, the glow afterwards. I love having Cherry and Violet involved in everything, and there was something deeply touching about their wild excitement on Friday when it was clear Violet was excited because Cherry was excited, and she knew she was having a 'birthday party' but she wasn't quite sure what a birthday party was.

Cherry was a solicitous older sister, accosting guests and demanding 'Have you brought a present for Violet?!' I am not sure how selfless her motivation was, truth be told. But she understood that it was Violet's party and Violet's day and that the presents and cards were for Violet, not for her. Although obviously she got to play with everything so she did pretty well out of her sister's second birthday.

After the party was officially 'over' (although several guests stayed for most of the afternoon) Violet finally got a ride on a home-made go-kart that's been left in the playground over the road for most of the summer. 

What little girl could ask for more? 

I hope they remember these parties, the fun and the adventure. As I put a very tired Cherry to bed she said to me 'I miss the party.' 

I remember exactly how that felt as a child. The excitement and anticipation of an event that's over and gone in a flash. Everything seems to happen on fast-foward. Like your younger child, your 'baby', turning two. 

It goes in the blink of an eye. 

A little camping trip

This weekend we headed to Salisbury for a night of camping with a group of friends and their children.

I haven't camped in years - just one short holiday under canvas in Devon since my days of Girl Guide camps and family Eurocamping in the south of France.

But I really loved the idea of rediscovering camping myself and introducing Cherry and Violet to the concept. They were super-excited when I put up our new tent a few days before to test it out (and check I actually remembered how to put a tent up!)

I did remember, thankfully. Not that it's rocket science really but still. As a very right-brained type who struggles to assemble the cardboard boxes you buy at post offices, I count it as an achievement.

We headed off to Salisbury at around 10am giving our two overexcited monkeys, one of whom had been awake since 4am in anticipation, plenty of time to nap and recharge their batteries on the journey.

Some of our friends had brought their daughter's dressing-up box, and Cherry and Violet instantly swooped in on some of the outfits. Cherry in particular really embraced the concept of 'layering'. For the rest of the trip we had Nurse Fairy Princess Butterfly here….

….and Little Miss Madam I'm A Fairy Princess Too!

As afternoon turned into evening a campfire was lit and layers were added on top of fancy-dress layers.  Cherry basically ate nothing but cake for tea and Violet attempted a picnic only to discard it in favour of being dragged about on a 'beep-beep-beep'.

Our tent is on the small side and barely accommodated the double and single inflatable air beds pushed together that formed our shared sleeping quarters. We didn't get the children down to sleep until gone 10pm.

Knowing they would be wide awake with the dawn, Noel and I followed shortly after. Sure enough Cherry and Violet were awake and raring to go at 5.20am so we reeled out the big guns - Peppa Pig on the tablet - to buy ourselves an hour's snooze.

We had fried egg and sausage sandwiches for breakfast and another good play before packing up and heading off.

We all loved everything about camping. Noel's probably the least keen of all of us, but he loved the atmosphere, the children running wild and free, the campfire and the camaraderie.

I have to say though this was more glamping than camping as we had access to a static unit with a fitted kitchen and toilet, running water, a fridge and freezer - pretty much all mod cons.

We massively overpacked and somehow I am still wading through laundry five days later. All learnings for the future.

I am still glowing from it though. That irresistible sense of connection as a family is really heightened by shared adventures, and whether you're just about to turn two or in your mid-30's, camping is always an adventure.

House rules

When we were in Singapore Cherry was tickled pink by this signpost, which we quickly christened Don't let your dog have a poo. She wanted her picture taken by it most days. Singapore is quite heavy on signposts, and when we got back she continued to notice them and ask me what they said or meant.

It really reminded me how children can respond to visual or written cues, even if they don't necessarily understand what they mean. As Cherry becomes ever more thirsty for knowledge, questioning just about everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING. Last week we found ourselves watching a Kendo class. If you thought three-year-olds came out with some tough questions at the best of times, you want to try standing next to two of them during Kendo) wherever possible I think the shortest and simplest explanation is often the best. I find we frequently return to discussions around taking care of our bodies, being kind and other general principles to live by.

As exhausting as it can sometimes (often!) be I do genuinely enjoy the process of stretching my own mind and becoming more questioning myself. I really try hard to help Cherry find the answers herself, usually by asking her what she thinks then taking her through leading questions until she gets there. Of course often I do have to eventually offer her the answer but I do like her to at least try and tell me what she thinks before I do so.

But there are some things - basic fundamental principles - that I explain time and again that I thought deserved a more concrete place in our conversations.

All of this has led us to write down a few rules. Hand on heart, I never thought ours would be the kind of home to have 'rules' and part of me feels a bit anxious that anybody reading this will now think I am a madly authoritarian dictator with a list of regulations for all who darken my door. Our rules are very simple and relatable, and they apply to all of us - Noel and I as well as the children.

Cherry, Violet and I discussed our rules together and we involved them in the process as much as possible given their tender ages. (Violet in particular had little of actual substance to add but she was at least present during their inception which is as much as any 23-month-old can reasonably expect I think!) I was very keen that our language and tone was as positive as possible - the last thing I wanted was a big list of ''don'ts'' and I think what we have come up with is much more of a list of 'do's'.

During a painting session I created this little rainbow and Cherry and Violet were very taken with it so we decided to write the rules on it and stick them on our wall. They are there now for all to see. Cherry in particular absolutely loves them. Every now and again, apropos of nothing, she will suddenly ask 'Mummy, what's number six?'

Rule six is in fact the only rule we have around food. I have always been very scrupulous about trusting and respecting my children's natural appetites and hunger cues and have never forced, coaxed or cajoled them to eat. There is no expectation upon anybody to clear their plate, regardless of whether or not pudding is available and nothing is conditional upon anybody 'eating their greens'.

I do however draw the line at providing snacks only for them to be discarded half-eaten, so we insist that they finish whatever snack they have (usually an apple) before they have another one, if they want one.

Rule five is not so much an attempt to potty-train Violet as a reaction to a rather unfortunate habit she's picked up as a result of going nappy-free a great deal of the time. Rule seven might seem a bit odd - making 'having fun' a rule? - but it's more to address the point that we all deserve to enjoy ourselves in life and if one of us constantly feels their preferences are not being considered and respected they have the right to raise this. It's also to help the children understand that not everybody will want to play 'that' game for 'that' long so sometimes you must compromise, and that jokes, pranks, games and the like are not actually 'funny' unless everybody is amused. This in future should help with conversations around concepts like bullying and abuse.

I find these rules generally good principles to live by, and having them also neatly side-steps many issues of control and rebellion. Admittedly my children are still very young, but they are both strong-willed and more than a little defiant by nature. Having rules that everybody in the house adheres to makes discipline far more of a democratic process. I think it's easier for both of them to accept 'in this house, we all get a turn' than it is for me to arbitrarily dictate that they must 'share' everything.

Rather than making Noel and I authority figures who must be blindly obeyed, having house rules means we all live by a unanimous contract, and I hope this means we all live a little more harmoniously. It also helps ensure we all know what to expect from one another, and that our communication remains open and democratic. It's empowering for children to feel they have a say and I encourage Cherry to call me out if she feels I have violated one of our rules. She has started, quite rightly, reminding me to 'speak kindly' if I become too animated and in danger of ranting and lecturing to hammer home a point. This feels to me a real affirmation that she knows her voice will be heard.

Do you have rules in your house?

The walk to preschool

 Cherry has been going to a small Montessori preschool since last September. She goes three mornings a week, which gives our weeks together a shape and a routine.

The highlight of this is the walk to preschool. It's held in a church hall about a mile away, an easy walk down residential roads crossing one busier road, with a few good hills.

We are all early risers so getting out of the door in time is never a problem and our morning routine is predictable and fun. Cherry rides her little balance bike and I push Violet in the buggy, as although she's capable of the walk, it would be hard going getting us there in less than 90 minutes. As it is the journey can take up to 40 minutes and that suits me fine as it's just the best part of the day, by far.

We talk. We have names for each road - the straight road, the leafy road, the white flowers road, the road with the shiny stones. We observe and notice every slight difference. We discuss each difference in great detail, from the colours of the leaves to the goings-on in people's gardens.

We've passed exciting sights such as a broken down car, a toilet in somebody's garden, a cement mixer, a digger, a scratchy cat, several friendly cats, mushrooms growing up a tree stump, autumn blooms and berries, 'naked' winter trees and stoical evergreens, crocuses, snowdrops, daffodils, blossom, bluebells and now we're spoiled for choice as gardens explode into full bloom.

Sometimes there's roadworks and we have to find a different place to cross, and we talk about this in huge detail and speculate as to the reasons for the works. We watch red buses stop and pick up passengers and wonder where they might be going. We analyse the weather, ponder the chances of rain, wind, thunder, lightning, sunshine, snow and ice.

Cherry learned to read most letters in the alphabet by stopping at road signs and tracing the letters with her fingers, gradually recognising more and more of them. Sometimes we'll pass marks on the pavement or road and brainstorm as to how they got there. We talk about the seasons, identify cars (she can spot a Mini a mile off) and stop to pet passing dogs. Cherry has an excellent grasp of road safety, thanks to the amount of times we have crossed each familiar road and gone through the familiar routines of looking for cars. She tells me when it's safe to cross.

The walk is the same every day, but every day it's different. Something new will be waiting for us. Something will have changed.

I honestly think Cherry learns and absorbs more in these journeys than she does in preschool itself! (I don't mean any disrespect to preschool there, just that the rich opportunities a short walk offers really cannot be reproduced or bettered indoors) Violet joins in with our chats but mainly it's a time for Cherry and I.

I often give myself a hard time for not spending enough time one-on-one with Cherry, with Violet I obviously have the hours while Cherry is at pre-school but time alone with my older daughter is scarce. Until I thought about the walks to preschool and realised, that's our one-on-one time.

When I think about what I will miss when the inevitable happens (at the moment I'm completely in denial about Cherry and school) these little walks will be top of the list.

What does self care actually involve?

Over the last couple of years I have been on something of an ongoing quest to work out what self-care actually involves.

I am completely on board with the concept and entirely convinced of the case to take better care of myself - firstly for my children and family, but more recently just for me. I am entirely sure that the better I look after myself, the better a mother, wife and person in general I become.

What's been more difficult about this is understanding what self-care actually is. Magazines, newspapers, websites and blogs are full of articles exhorting the benefits of taking care of oneself but I always find them quite light on the detail.

Generally, suggestions are limited to things like bubble baths, massages, spa breaks and solo visits to the cinema. In fact since the language and concept of self-care was embraced by the marketing and advertising industry you could be forgiven for thinking that purchasing toilet paper or bikini wax fell under the umbrella of taking care of oneself or 'pampering', an entirely hideous word with connotations of indulgence and superficiality.

I think that's what's bothered me about the textbook definitions of self-care, the connotations. There is nothing indulgent about taking care of oneself but it becomes portrayed as such when we're led to believe giving large corporations money we don't really have for over packaged products we absolutely don't need is a luxurious, empowering treat.

On a very personal level I found when I felt myself starting to get very tired and irritable and fed-up I would go for a massage or have a bath or take myself off for an afternoon with the full intention of recharging my batteries and emerging refreshed, energised and ready to embrace everyday life with open arms and marginally less heavy eyes.

How I actually felt afterwards was basically exactly the same but having had a nice half-hour, hour or even afternoon. Nothing seemed to move below the surface. I still felt just as tired, just as irritable and anxious at times, just as weary and fed-up. In fact I often felt a bit more irritable as I'd had my allotted 'treat' and I still felt just as drained and in desperate need of filling up my cup.

In the last six months or so I have begun to hone in much more on what self-care looks and feels like for me personally.

For me, self care is

First and foremost, taking the time to truly get to know myself.
This has mainly involved keeping a journal daily, beginning with morning pages and finishing in the evening with observations and notes about my actions, feelings and reactions throughout the day. Over time I have begun to notice patterns that I can then pick up as they happen, such as negative thoughts creeping in or times when I feel particularly tired or get snappy with the children - all warning signs that I am running dangerously low on inner resources and energy.

Listening to my body
It amuses me that people still think self-care is indulgent when in fact it involves a great deal of discipline and often putting aside what your head wants in favour of what your body needs.
Such as going to bed early when you're tired and have a busy week ahead even if you'd prefer to stay up blogging or watching TV or go on that night out you've been really looking forward to. Or getting up and going for a run or bike ride at 6.30am when you have the time, because you always feel so much stronger and more positive if you exercise but if you leave it until the kids are in bed you know you won't be able to face it. Or cutting right back on added sugar because you're feeling uncomfortable in your own skin and know you're eating too many treats instead of addressing the issues that you'd rather reach for a third cupcake than look into.

Allowing myself space
Harder than it sounds with two very young children! I have very little time 'to myself' and the temptation is to cram a billion and one things into the time I do have, make plans on top of plans, and use my downtime 'productively' at all times. Reminding myself that I will have time in future helps me narrow the seemingly exhaustive list right down. I might want to start on that book idea I've had in my head for the last two years, but it's probably more important that I write in my journal or just clear my mind and sit by myself for a while. I am becoming more and more convinced I am an introvert, which is at odds with my perceptions of myself over the last 34 years. One of the telltale signs is that when Noel gets home I am in no rush to pounce on him and offload about my day and get some 'adult' conversation. I'm more than happy to sit in silence with myself while he works out, and we can catch up later over dinner.

Making tough decisions
Such as deciding to stop working and completely put my career on hold. This is a decision I took more than a year ago and I have wound down and wound down and finally only just finished work 'for good'. But already I find little thoughts popping into my head like bubbles. Why don't I pitch an article on this or a book on that? Again, I have to keep reminding myself I have time. In a few short years, I will have more than enough time to write whatever I want. In the mean time, I have consciously chosen to focus 100% on my family, I have become acutely aware that for me personally to try and work around my young children is to split myself in half. Neither work or my children really get what they deserve from me. Please don't misunderstand, I know there are many MANY women out there who successfully balance work and family with all manner of different arrangements and circumstances. I am just not one of those women and the balance I have found is to choose to prioritise my children and family now, and my career later.

Reading, learning, thinking, growing….
I have a veritable library of books and resources I have devoured over the last year or so and from which I draw enormous amounts of inspiration and food for thought. I have also found some excellent blogs and websites that help further crystallise my thinking, or point me in the direction of more materials that I find useful. Not all of these resources are specifically about self-care, but the overall themes can always be drawn into that space. Everything is connected, after all.

And on a purely practical level, self care for me is
Exercising daily, getting outside at least daily, giving up alcohol, green smoothies in the morning, cutting out added sugar, writing in my journal at least daily, group therapy once a week, a massage as often as is feasible (once every few months or so), getting in the bath with my daughters as often as possible, eating actual and nourishing food for dinner and never ever going to bed on just snacks or toast, cutting right back on time spent on social media, embracing the written or spoken word instead of Facebook, reading as many books in the field of self-discovery, growth, parenting and child development, mindfulness and meditation as I can get my hands on, going to bed at 9pm most days, getting up at 6am most days, saying YES whenever I can but saying NO whenever I need to, using my phone primarily as a camera and almost never as a communication device during the day, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and going to events, groups and gatherings I wouldn't normally think of as being 'for me', picnics with my daughters, remaining present with my children wherever humanly possible, actively practicing positive thinking and keeping negative thoughts in check, endless reading around the psychology of happiness and motivation, switching off and watching a film with Noel every now and again, and immediately cancelling any plans and getting an early night the minute I notice myself becoming irritable, anxious or snappy or negative thoughts beginning to crowd in.

And on that note, I'm off to bed!

Living Arrows 14/52

Spring is here! Actually here, not 'the sun shone for 15 minutes' here. So I dressed my crazy girls for sunshine and fun, let them play in thickest mud, and took them to the edge of the world.

I'm really glad I was honest about finding parts of last week tough, and about my ongoing quest to stop yelling at my children. It makes weeks like this, when we're all beautifully connected and in perfect harmony, so much sweeter when I acknowledge the hard as well as the good.

There's so much I want to remember from today, from the yellow brimstone butterflies we saw to Cherry's fierce and intense concentration as she played with a few stones and a stick for hours, conjuring personalities and stories from wood and earth.

A beautiful happy day with my beautiful happy daughters.