Living Arrows 14/52

Spring is here! Actually here, not 'the sun shone for 15 minutes' here. So I dressed my crazy girls for sunshine and fun, let them play in thickest mud, and took them to the edge of the world.

I'm really glad I was honest about finding parts of last week tough, and about my ongoing quest to stop yelling at my children. It makes weeks like this, when we're all beautifully connected and in perfect harmony, so much sweeter when I acknowledge the hard as well as the good.

There's so much I want to remember from today, from the yellow brimstone butterflies we saw to Cherry's fierce and intense concentration as she played with a few stones and a stick for hours, conjuring personalities and stories from wood and earth.

A beautiful happy day with my beautiful happy daughters.

Living Arrows 13/52

Clearly I was being a bit optimistic in writing about our Easter plans! Three days in and these two have run me ragged. We've seen friends and had some fun but there's also been a fair bit of fighting and screaming (from them) and far too much yelling (from me) (and them!).

I absolutely loathe myself when I yell at my children and have seriously worked so hard to keep it to a bare minimum. Ideally I would never yell at all as I do recognise it's pointless, and it models awful behaviour and habits to them. 

I certainly yell infrequently, and I never shout abuse or insults or say anything I would regret later (although once a long time ago I told Cherry 'I'm sick of you!' and for weeks later she kept repeating 'I'm sick of you!' in an irate tone to her toy pig and I felt JUST AWFUL about it. I did apologise to her and tell her that I shouldn't have said it and it was wrong and not true, but safe to say I've learned my lesson and have never said anything since that could come back to haunt me). 

But sometimes I do get to a stage whereby I can't help but get snappy and raise my voice. Afterwards I feel beside myself with guilt and like I'm the worst mother in the world and the only parent ever who yells at her kids.

The worst thing about yelling is I know it's pointless. I don't yell because I think it will get my children to do what I am asking them to do or because I want their attention and I don't have it. I do it because I've become so frustrated or irritated or ground down or wound up or just so exhausted I feel I have no other outlet but to yell. 

It's not their fault I don't always have the energy to stay calm and patient and it's not their fault that I struggle to contain their emotions on top of my own sometimes. I'm not exactly yelling for their benefit either! I don't think any of us really believe that yelling is a useful way of communicating with our children - some people do say 'it's the only way to get them to listen' but I don't find that to be the case. The only way to get my children to listen is to get down on their level, make eye contact and speak to them in a manner and tone they can understand and relate to.

All yelling does is upset all of us. Essentially it's me having a tantrum, which is something at 34 I should really be past by now. I hope one day I will be. I hope one day very soon! And I will keep working towards that goal in the mean time. 

But I do think it's important that I acknowledge and move on rather than beat myself up for it for days on end because that helps nobody either. Honestly, parenting is like some kind of crash-course in all the life skills I didn't even know I was lacking! 

Living Arrows 12/52

Look at me being all on time with Living Arrows!

I took so many photos of my daughters this week - making up for the lack of choice last week. They're both so very beautiful to me, in their very different ways.

These photos of Cherry are up there with the best photos I've ever taken. They really sum her up, her innocence and radiance, her sense of wonder, and her flamboyant nature.

And these shots of Violet just make me melt. She had a whole 'chat' on the phone to Granny while I was taking them. I don't know many people who could wear a pair of Thomas the Tank Engine PJ's like Violet.

Living Arrows 11/52

When I looked at my phone this week I was really disappointed I didn't have more photos to choose from! I've been really focusing on photography recently and trying to take more, and better, pictures. So it was a little bit of a shame that the pictures I eventually chose for this week have both been on my Instagram feed (I'm cathybussey1 if you want to come say hi) and I didn't have a big pool of shots like I normally do.

We've all been very busy lately. Noel is frantic at work tying up lots of loose ends before he starts his new job and I've been flat out with various errands and general life admin, applying for passports for me and Violet, finally getting around to registering us with new doctors (we moved in November! NOVEMBER!) and various other bits of paper-based faff. I'm also working on a project until the end of April that's taking up all of the time I have available to work (and more besides). It should be my last project though, after this I have no more client work and I am not looking for more.

So life feels a bit like we are hurtling towards the end of some kind of era. It'll be the end of Noel working only four days a week, from May he will be back full-time and he will lose those Fridays with the children that he and they (and I) have so enjoyed. It will be the absolute end of me working as a freelance copywriter for the foreseeable future, and it all ends/begins with a trip to Singapore at the end of April! Exciting times, busy times, slightly scary times if I'm honest.

This week Cherry had two playdates with six different children. I have mentioned before we live in my brother's house (he and his family now live in Singapore hence our planned trip!) and I am beyond grateful for the space. It's a lovely house, with plenty of room for us to host and entertain, and I feel like I want to extend the generosity my brother has shown us to all of our friends and family. I want my house full of friends and family and the children's friends all the time! We live in an expensive part of the country and space is at a premium, thanks to my brother we are lucky enough to have a fantastic garden plus a wonderful and safe space at the front which includes a playground. I feel I want to share it with as many people as I can, so they can benefit from the simple gift of space and time outdoors with their children.

In that spirit we invited Cherry's current favourite little friend (and, I think, crush!) Harry L and his little sister to play, then a day later we had a playdate with some of her friends from pre-school and their younger siblings. It's been quite tiring I have to say, but amazing fun. I love watching Cherry with her friends and seeing her become a social being. She's very interesting, I think she is quite introverted (as in fact I suspect am I). She can perform and entertain beautifully and quite flamboyantly when she wants to but I think she draws her real essence and energy from time alone or time in smaller groups.

I am really fascinated as these sides of her self and her personality begin to emerge. I can't deny I do worry about Cherry, she's a very sensitive soul and socially she is probably behind many children her age, but I think this worry is normal. Certainly every parent I've spoken to this week worries about their child or one of their children in one way or another - for being not social enough, for being too sociable, children can't win really!

Violet, bless her, gets sort of stuck with the younger siblings of Cherry's friends at the moment! But her big love is Cherry anyway so wherever Cherry is, V wants to be. I am looking forward to watching her blossom as a social being too, I find her much more resilient and confident than her big sister, less passionate and vulnerable. They are such amazing girls, I am so glad to have them.

Here you are rocking your new t-shirt from Little Bird by Jools, which I absolutely LOVE. In fact I love this whole outfit and wish I could wear it too. I chose this picture of you because you look super-cool, just chilling out on your chicken. You are such a picture, miss Cherry, such a person.

And you, my little flower. Ah V. Aren't you just a little joy. I love your little curls in this picture, your hair is so amazing to me. When you were born you had loads of black hair, just like Cherry. But unlike Cherry, you then didn't grow any hair for nearly a year. You were pretty bald, bless you. Then all of a sudden you were a little blonde curly-locks! What a sight for sore eyes you are. 

Living Arrows 10/52

So I missed a few weeks of Living Arrows. Guilty look. I don't know where time goes.

I'm so easily discouraged with photography. I've wanted to be able to take decent photos my whole life really, just ask my poor mother who has bought me many a camera only for me to not use it. Thing is I was (and still am) very bad at drawing and that made me think I wasn't 'arty' or couldn't create any visual art whatsoever.

Photography seems to advance so fast too, any time I feel like I'm getting close to taking decent pictures I look at my Instagram feed and realise how far I have to go! But I am working at it. Although none of the photos I have chosen for Living Arrows are posed, I have started asking Cherry and Violet to stand here, look at Mummy etc sometimes when I'm taking photographs. They're both pretty obliging at the moment but I'm sure the novelty will wear off! I am also starting to think they need new clothes - I have a LOT of photos of Violet in the orange jacket she's wearing in this week's pic.

This week we went to the RHS gardens at Wisley to see the butterflies in the glasshouse. I imagined I'd end up choosing a photo of you with a butterfly - which I do have - but it was this one that really stood out when I looked back through my shots. Look at your little blonde curl! We found a mature camellia and underneath it was a bed of blossom. It was absolutely gorgeous and I could have taken photos of it all day. You found this pine cone in amongst the flowers. I am starting to suspect you and your sister are part hedgehog, as I find pine cones all around the house, in pockets, and rolling around in the car. I have also decided that when I am much older and we have settled in a 'forever house' I want a big camellia in the garden and a carpet of blossom every March.

Crazy girl! So full of fun and energy and mischief. It's rare we can get you into trousers these days, you've been choosing your clothes since before you turned two and I have a whole bunch of barely worn clothes I sincerely hope Violet wants to wear, as they are very lovely but you will not wear them! You always want to wear skirts and dresses at the moment. You made an exception for these velvet trousers, a hand-me-down from your older cousin that look absolutely fantastic on you. But we could only persuade you into trousers by explaining that we would be gardening all day and getting very mucky and messy. Not that that stops us if you are in a skirt. I've washed enough mud off your clothes this winter! Every now and again I see blogs flying around about how mums of boys need to brace themselves for loads of dirty laundry from the inevitable rolling around in mud, and I think once again what a load of complete crap people talk about children and gender. You and your sister are as happy to get muddy as any boy I know - and much more so than many I know! 

Living Arrows 4/52 and 5/52

I'm late with these already! Where does time go? I had a meeting with some friends on Box Hill to discuss a really exciting cycling project at the end of January, all of a sudden it's practically mid-Feb and I realised I haven't even got back to them. Such is life with two children. The days used to be long and the years short, now the days aren't even long any more.

4/52

Little one. Aren't you just a joy, a treat? You might be back to your old tricks sleeping (or rather waking) but how can I hold it against you? Your favourite word at the moment is 'silly'. Everything is silly. 'Silly Derry! Silly mama! Silly At-dat!' (you can't say Violet yet) You're very physically adept, you've started running and even jumping! It always amazes me how much you can do. I find you do things very quickly, but I'm not sure how much of that is you being a quick little stick and how much of it is you having a big sister to copy. One thing's for sure, you're determined. You want to be doing EVERYTHING Cherry is doing and you won't let anything stop you. 

I really don't want to force my interests and passions onto you but I am so, so glad you love being outdoors as much as I do. You barely feel the cold, and as long as you've had enough to eat and drink (VITAL) you are the most energetic and outdoorsy little person. You can't spy a hill without running up it. We went to Box Hill for a breakfast picnic and all the way there all you talked about was running up the hill. Look at you go, mighty girl! This was also the day we heard the woodpecker in the woods, and the next day you came home from preschool with your own woodpecker made from a cardboard tube, a bit of paper and a pasta twirl for a beak. 

5/52

I couldn't resist snapping you playing at a lovely cafe in a nearby park. They have a gorgeous illustration on the wall and you were just in the right spot for the fox ears. You and your sister were SO funny, you charmed the entire cafe and had everybody in stitches with your antics. I love your dynamic, you're both natural entertainers and love an audience, and you can really spark off each other to put on a show. I lose count of the amount of people who are charmed and entertained, by you two. Sometimes people compliment your dad and I on your behaviour and I have learned to take these compliments at face value and smile. In truth they make me uncomfortable, you are both normal, healthy children with strong wills and very defiant streaks and I hate the idea that people would think you 'do as you're told' or any other behavioural values I don't want to nurture in you. You don't 'do as you're told' because I don't 'tell' you. I ask politely and you usually co-operate. Sometimes you don't, but we always work out a solution in the end. It's very different from you 'doing as you're told' although often to outsiders it can look that way. 

You really, really wanted to get your bike up that hill! It was hard work and the bike is quite heavy and the hill was steep and muddy. More than once you screamed that you couldn't do it, you howled with frustration, you fell onto your bottom again and again. But you got that bike up that hill. One of your defining characteristics is your persistence. You're like a dog with a bone, you find it hard to let go, give up and give in. You needed every ounce of that amazing persistence today. It's incredible to see you empower yourself like this and I had to distract myself with your sister to stop myself from rushing to your aid and taking your feelings and your moment away from you. 
After you'd hauled the bike all the way up to the top you decided to bring it back down again which was another tough physical challenge, but you were so pumped you picked the bike up and carried all the way across the grass to the pathway. Your whole body language had changed, you were as confident and powerful as an Olympic athlete doing a lap of honour. It's a privilege to watch these moments and bear witness to the making of a girl. 

Living Arrows 3/52

You on your bike. Don't you just make me burst at the seams with pride. You ride to pre-school now. It's a good mile. I feel anxious sometimes, we're only going down residential streets but they get so busy especially around school run time. But I choose to trust you, with the odd (OK regular) reminder to be careful, stay close and stop when you get to the road. It's been freezing cold all week but there's no holding you back, little love. And there's no getting you to wear your coat either! This fluffy cardigan is as close as you'll get.

Your latest trick is…wait for it…SLEEPING! You still wake when Daddy and I come to bed at around 10pm, and then again at around 4am for the restless pre-dawn hours which you spend feeding, shouting for Cherry and dozing. But for the last few nights, that's been it! I'm so glad I let you get there in your own time. It's been a conscious decision not to night wean, push you to sleep through or 'train' you out of your natural restlessness at night. I had faith in you. It's not exactly the 12 uninterrupted hours we as a culture are so obsessed with, but if there's one thing I know about you, and your sister, it's that you do things your own way. 

Living Arrows 2/52

Oh just look at you. Look at you! You fell asleep in the buggy on the way back from a mini playdate while Cherry was at pre-school. When we got home I left you asleep and put on a workout DVD. Halfway through you woke up. You toddled in and stood watching me for a while, not sure what to make of all the jumping about. Then you said 'Eep. Eep. (Sleep)' I asked if you wanted to sit on the sofa with a nice and warm (what we call blankets thanks to Cherry!) and you nodded. So on you got, with your 'warm' and Spag P, who used to be Cherry's favourite and seems to have found favour with you too. You chatted to him while I finished my workout. "Ba Pee! Ba Pee! Eeep? Warm?'

No competition for my favourite image of you this week. I took about 100 pictures of you with Trigger. Every time I watch you ride a pony my heart bursts with a mixture of pride and longing and hope that you will inherit my deep love of our four-legged friends. The signs are promising and you're fearless even though Trigger is a good 14.3hh. I find it particularly emotional watching you ride this gorgeous old boy, as long ago in the mists of time when I was 19 I spent my holidays from university working in a livery yard breaking and schooling young horses, and one of the horses I worked with was none other than good old Trigger. I had a ride on him too, just for fun. If you'd told me back then I'd one day pay £1 to be led around by a 14-year-old on a horse I backed and schooled myself, I'd have laughed my head off. 

Living Arrows 1/52

For a few years now I've watched as bloggers I love have charted and documented their children through photography, week by week.

I absolutely love the idea of recording my children as they change and grow. I'm going to take part in the Living Arrows project, in which you share a photograph of your child (or children, in my case!) every week.

The project, now in its third year, is inspired by the following quote by Khalil Gibran:

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth

As I watch my two children grow and change I can't help but see myself, the bow, reflected back, in good ways and bad. I understand more and more that my role is to fire my children into the world armed with the weapons they need - courage, kindness and love, always, always love. 

I take photographs of my children all the time. To the point whereby I have to tell myself 'no, STOP' sometimes when actually taking a picture would be a really, really bad idea. Like yesterday when Cherry and Violet were wandering along holding hands and giggling and I thought 'that would be such a cute picture' but in between attempting to grab my phone out of my bag and keep hold of the buggy my concentration wavered and when I looked up again Violet was marching determinedly towards the road!

Lapses in judgement aside, I have plenty to share.

First up is V.

The softness of your face! Sometimes I want to freeze time and keep you forever my little baby. It's been a long time since you were that tiny peaceful contented baby and now you never stop moving, chatting and making mayhem. But when you sleep, I see that gentle, contented peace you carry around inside your perfect little self. 

Oh, this girl and sleep - will we ever get there? It's been nearly 17 months and she's as erratic as ever. Over Christmas she actually gave us two separate nights in which she only woke once - once, not until 4.30am. I felt like I'd been on a spa break! But with the new year came two new teeth and we're back to waking hourly. Last night she was inexplicably awake from 11.30pm until 4am. CRY. 

But all it takes is one look through my burning, reddened eyes at her beautiful face, captured here in that rarest of states, asleep, and I would forgive her anything. She's at the most delightful age, her comprehension and speech impress me every day and her sense of humour is particularly advanced for one so young!

You announced this morning you were a princess and needed a crown. You went to soft play with Violet and Daddy and napped in the car on the way home. When you woke up you were all at sea. You climbed onto my lap and rested your face in my chest. 'Mummy! I don't want to be a princess any more.' I asked if you just wanted to be a Cherry and you nodded into my jumper.

Cherry has started properly at her Montessori pre-school this term. Last term she did two three-hour sessions a week, this week she is doing three three-hour sessions and going to lunch club for two of them. All in all she's out for 11 hours a week. After a year at home with the pair of them full-time, being able to hear myself THINK for 11 hours a week is absolutely heavenly! She's so funny about pre-school, she seems to enjoy it when she's there, talks about it a lot, she's MAD about lunch club and is making friends. But every single day when we get up (at 5am, this week!) she asks not to go to pre-school. 

She's a sensitive soul and not the most adaptable child, she's very resistant to change and responds well to routine. So I am hopeful that going to pre-school more often will help her adjust. If I thought she genuinely didn't like it, I would stop her going immediately, but she is so bright and happy and full of chatter and confidence when I pick her up, and talks so often about her teachers and friends, that I am sure it's the right thing for her. 

She's at such a wonderful age, such a funny, creative, loving, capable little thing. Bursting with energy and happiness and love and a total motormouth. She's a real handful!. 

I am so, so, so grateful to be these incredible girls' bow.