RideLondon 100 training

This weekend was the second meet up of the Revolution Cycling coaching programme for 100-mile sportives. I got to know Kerry Bircher at Revolution through my lovely friend Adele and Kerry was kind enough to ride with me last year when I was experiencing some really big issues around fear on my bike.

I've mentioned before that since having Violet my balance is all off, and I have also found myself just more fearful in general, on my bike and in everyday life. In fact last week I had a very nasty near-miss with an ambulance (while driving my car, not on my bike) and it was so terrifying I came over all lightheaded and panicky on the motorway! Luckily my dad was with me so he drove for a while until I felt calm enough to take the wheel again.

I think it's just a biological reaction to being responsible for two very young vulnerable lives. I can see logically that the world hasn't become a scarier place, I take the same risk going down a hill fast on a bike or driving a car as I did before. But I think something is going on on a more subconscious or possibly a hormonal level. I have a lot more to lose these days. I have to be more careful with myself.

The thing I loved about riding with Kerry last year was that she was completely understanding but also very encouraging. She's a mum herself so she gets how I feel, but she also seems to know exactly how much pushing I need. Since I started this training programme I have felt so much more confident on the bike and I have been motivated to really make time to train. I can't realistically get out on the bike daily, much as I'd like to, but I can get up early and run, or do some yoga, and most weeks I'm managing three rides a week.

Trainers ℅ adidas 

Having somebody like Kerry and her lovely colleague Holly on hand to motivate and push (gently) as well as support and encourage me has been a really major factor in me taking the whole endeavour of RideLondon 100 a lot more seriously.

On Saturday we went on our first group ride, a 30-miler around some of the RideLondon 100 route and nearby roads. It was a great way to practice group riding, something I haven't done much of, on actual roads after an introduction at the Hillingdon circuit last month.

The ride itself was a combination of riding as a close-knit group, and going at our own pace up and down some decent climbs out in the Surrey Hills. I find group riding takes a lot of concentration. There seems a lot to think about, staying on the wheel of the rider in front, road hazards, cars, pace, brakes, gears, signals and communication. It's very absorbing and the miles seem to just whizz past.

Once out into the countryside I turned into an excited child and while some of the riders took hills at a more sedate pace I tore up and down them like a dog chasing a tennis ball. Holly commented that I was obviously feeling strong - I'll say. I don't know if it's the training, the fact that I've cut added sugar out of my diet, or just the fact that I had a morning to myself on my bike in the company of some awesome women, but I was definitely on my game.

This week I was interviewed by a big health and fitness magazine for a feature on getting more women on bikes. The journalist asked me what the best advice I'd ever been given around building confidence was and I found this a hard question to answer. There is no one thing a person can say or advise to build confidence on the bike. The way to build confidence on a bike, is to get on a bike.

My confidence was low last year and I didn't have enough time to dedicate to riding to really improve it. This year I am more committed and I can feel myself getting more and more confident every time I ride. The group rides and meet ups are pushing me along in leaps and bounds. I'm more committed to my fitness off the bike too, and last weekend I ran seven miles without even realising it.

Maybe it's just the promise of spring and warmer weather, but I'm definitely finding more energy and motivation and the more I train the more I want to train. It's a very happy circle. I'm looking forward to next month's ride already!

Noel and I are both riding RideLondon 100 for Tommy's, if you would be so kind as to sponsor us to raise money for this amazing charity please do so here.

Jersey ℅ adidas 

The size of things

I took these photos this morning, for a different post (to come) on what I'm doing round the house.

I knew I'd got bigger lately but I hadn't realised, or wanted to see, quite how big.

Generally I dislike how I look in most photographs, the photos I like the most are the ones in which I probably look least like me. That's a complicated sentence to explain. I've been reading a lot by Geneen Roth recently (highly, highly recommend) and she talks about growing up waiting to look like a model and being utterly perplexed when she didn't.

I really identified. Growing up I read glossy teen magazines and the occasional illicit Cosmo. I was mesmerised by the girls in the pictures and desperate to be like them. But also, as a young impressionable girl, I was desperate to grow up and somewhere along the line my brain confused the two. I thought when I grew up, I would look like a model - because all the images I consumed suggested that would be the case.

I can see I've never really let go of that idea. I hope that doesn't sound too arrogant, I want to make it clear I don't actually think I look like a model. But I am so used to seeing images of women who are so slender in the first place so posed and airbrushed and manufactured that somehow my brain seems to think ALL women look like that in photographs - including me. Everybody knows there are only three body types for women. Tiny and petite and delicate, tall and willowy, or curvy. I'm neither petite nor curvy, I am tall, ergo surely I should be willowy, yes?

Well clearly not. But believe it or not that's the image of myself I've been carrying around with me. I like photos of me that hint at willowiness, emphasise my bone structure, disguise my broadness and softness. We all like pictures that emphasise what we perceive as our best features after all.

I actually don't have huge amounts of pictures of myself. My parents didn't take that many when I was growing up and I never took any during my 20's. So I don't have a lot of photographic evidence to counteract my mistaken belief that I am, somewhere underneath, willowy and ethereal.

When I looked at these pictures I think for the first time I truly let go of that idea and just saw myself. Truly myself.

I can't say I was thrilled. I look bigger than I want to be. Bigger than I've been in years. Bigger than I'm comfortable with.

I waited for the inevitable self-flagellation to start, the despairing thoughts about being fat and overweight and lazy and greedy and having no self control and all the other things we tell ourselves when we're not happy with ourselves.

But when I thought about it, none of that was there.

When I look at these pictures I see a woman who has given away too much of herself.

A woman who has lost touch with her body and what her body wants and needs.

A woman who hasn't slept through the night in 18 months and is still smiling.

A woman who has given as much of herself as she possibly, possibly can to her family and her very young children, and who is still giving.

I see a woman who is always carrying, wiping, lifting, fetching, helping, moving, pushing, cuddling.

A woman still breastfeeding a voracious 18-month-old (breastfeeding might melt away the pounds for some, for me it sees my body desperately hang on to stores of fat put down during pregnancy. What can I say, I make gold top.)

I see a woman who has put her children's needs way, way above her own longing for time and space and physical activity and breaking a sweat.

I see a woman who misses her fitness and the daily workouts she once took for granted.

I see a woman who feeds her family and often doesn't have the energy left to think about what she might want to eat, so instead eats snacks and treats and too much of the wrong thing because it's there.

And I see a woman who often does reach into the cupboard for a chocolate biscuit or a cake or a treat because she wants something for herself, even if it is just baked goods.

I feel great compassion for that woman. The last thing I'm going to do is give her a hard time for gaining a bit of weight.

What to do, though? I have never been on a diet and I don't believe in diets per se. They are a short-term fix for a symptom, and completely overlook the cause. I know what food is 'good' for me and what is 'bad' for me. I don't want to follow complex and restrictive regimes and I respond extremely badly to any sense of deprivation.

I need to get back in touch with my body and let my body guide me. My body likes to be active and move. It likes to eat food that nourishes it. I've known I was gaining weight for a while because I feel pretty uncomfortable most of the time. My body isn't happy with what I'm eating and how I'm eating it, that much is clear.

If I think about it, properly think about it, I don't want to eat rubbish and junk and endless chocolate and snacks. It doesn't make me feel good and it doesn't satisfy me. Nor does not exercising, sitting on the sofa watching TV, or any other weight-inducing habits.

If I listen to my body, really listen, I am pretty confident the weight will take care of itself. And even if it doesn't, when I look at these photographs, I can still find plenty about them that I like.

(I just want to make it crystal clear this is a personal post about my personal feelings about my body and my weight and relates to nobody else's body, feelings, size or weight but mine!)

Bringing creativity into my life

This year I want to become more creative.

I became a journalist primarily because I loved and excelled at writing, but the role of a news journalist is really to channel the voices and opinions of others. There is very little room for actual creative expression.

(As an aside, I find blogging surprisingly difficult, because I spent ten years being very proficient at removing all trace of myself, my opinions and my creativity from my daily output.)

It's probably no coincidence that since cutting dramatically back on work, I have found myself wanting to become more creative. When I'm being paid to write reams of content for clients, I don't really want to spend what little free time I have writing.

Creativity isn't exactly limited to writing - by definition, it's limitless. I have picked out a few areas in which I would like to become more creative this year.

They are

Writing
Might as well start with the obvious! I want to work on different types of writing and as a start have chosen to commit to a journal, this blog, and letter-writing to my family in Singapore. I am pondering adding short stories to the list, but that's probably enough writing for now!

Photography
God I love photography. I am not very good at drawing, so I have carried around for years the belief that I'm not 'arty' or can't 'do' photography. In fact I've always loved the concept of photography and been quite drawn to it, but lacked the confidence to actually begin to learn anything in earnest because 'I'm not arty'. Although once I thought about it one of the things I love so much about photography is it allows you to create art without having to draw anything yourself!

My home
Since moving into a family home I have come to understand that home-making is a skill and an art. A home can be functional and beautiful. A home can reflect the individual and collective personality of the people living within it. As a lifelong member of Generation Rent, until now my house has basically been where I put my stuff. It's only now that I have the freedom to make the house we are fortunate enough to live in, a home.

Working out
If I could I'd ride my bike for hours and hours every day. Unfortunately I have years to wait before my children are at school and such an ambition is feasible. Most days I work out in the house and there's not much I can do about that, but I can make the space I work out in more creative. I can also be more creative with my workouts in general rather than going through the same tired old motions.

My children
V is still a little young for true 'crafting' but Cherry loves cutting and sticking and painting and anything involving masses of mess and things that V shouldn't but always does end up putting in her mouth. They can however both decorate the s**t out of a cake, and V's pretty good at 'drawing', if by 'drawing' you mean sitting in her chair saying PAPER while eating Cherry's crayons and throwing stuff on the floor.

Meditation
I'm intrigued by the concept of creative meditations and adding visuals and other tools to the practice.

Connections
At the end of last year I took an introduction to massage course, which I will blog about another day. I learned a lot about myself during the five-week duration as well as much about the way in which we make connections. Human connections are far more than just verbal and massage is an entirely unspoken but deeply powerful way of making and nurturing connections. I'm excited to explore this more this year.

That'll probably do for now. I would love to hear any tips or recommendations for good learning sources on any of the above - particularly photography, as that's really dominating the list at the moment.