A week off the white stuff

When I wrote this post I was feeling very unhappy about my body, both my physical size and the way I felt inside. I felt bloated and uncomfortable a lot of the time, and I was aware the way I was eating wasn't doing me any good.

Tired from constant wake ups with Violet and the general demands of two small children, I was reaching into the cupboard for a sweet treat without really thinking. We live near a gorgeous bakery and stopped by most days. It was when I noticed I was buying two or three different cakes just for me, eating them and still wanting more, that I realised my sweet tooth had got completely out of control.

Then I read this post by Keri-Anne whose gorgeous blog Gingerlillytea I absolutely LOVE and when she mentioned only having eaten sweets or chocolates twice since Christmas something clicked inside my head.

I suddenly realised I needed to stop eating sugar.

I have a massive sweet tooth and absolutely LOVE chocolates, cakes, biscuits, baked goods, doughnuts, flapjacks, puddings, ice cream, you name it. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a bit of an emotional eater as well. If I feel sad, grumpy, tired, miserable or even just a bit bored and restless my hand reaches for a biscuit practically automatically. And then another. And another. Once I start I find it hard to stop, I can easily demolish half a packet of biscuits or an entire family-sized chocolate bar in one sitting, and still want more.

I can't remember the last time I went more than a day, two at a push, without eating some form of sweet treat. Once or twice I have decided I'm not going to eat so many, will manage a day or two, then I'll reach a point where hunger, deprivation and general cravings collide and snap, and demolish anything sweet I can get my hands on. Then I'll feel crap and beat myself up for not being able to stick to my resolve and seeing as I've started that packet of biscuits I might as well finish them now….

It's not really had a huge impact on my weight as I have always been so active, but in a way this means I have given myself permission to eat even more biscuits and chocolates 'because I work out'. But it was starting to have a massive impact on the way I felt about myself, and so the sugar had to go.

To be clear I'm not talking about cutting out all forms of sugar. I know some are fanatical about going sugar-free and cut out fruit, dairy (which contains lactose) and refuse to entertain sugar substitutes like honey, maple syrup or agave nectar. I don't suffer from any intolerances or medical conditions and for a healthy person like me, I felt to cut out all forms of sugar completely would be unnecessary.

That said, I felt it was important I went a bit cold turkey to begin with to really break the sugar habit. I didn't want to replace eating three cakes from the bakery with demolishing three muffins sweetened with honey or maple syrup instead, so I have spent the last week avoiding any sugar substitutes at all. I have eaten fruit, and bread which contains some sugar. But I have avoided any foods, sauces, cereals and the like that list sugar in the ingredients (I thought I would be safe with a bowl of good old Corn Flakes, until I read the label. Once you start looking there's sugar EVERYWHERE!)

It hasn't been easy. I have felt quite limited in what I can eat and despite being aware I was eating and relying on sugar far too much it has surprised me how often I've wanted something sweet. After every meal my mind instantly wanders to a pudding. I want sweet snacks during the day, and at breakfast I've been pretty much limited to toast and eggs or nut butter (I'm not a fan of porridge). Any time I get a bit restless I've started thinking about how much I want something sweet to eat.

On Tuesday night I actually made a batch of raw chocolate peanut butter cups, which are free from refined sugar but do have maple syrup in them. I thought, at least if I have these on standby if the cravings do get too much I can have one instead of thinking 'oh sod it' and buying and eating half a bakery. Having the reassurance of a standby seems to have worked well, as I haven't touched them yet.

I have tried to avoid thinking too much about sugar but haven't forced my mind away if it has popped into my head that I'd like something sweet. I've definitely eaten more fruit than I usually do, and a bit more cheese too. What's been surprising is the realisation that basically everything I have been snacking on contains sugar. I haven't snacked on fruit or cheese in years. I've just been defaulting to something sweet. It's quite eye-opening.

A week in and I feel amazing. I have noticed a huge difference, with absolutely no bloating or cramping and a massive reduction in general gassiness. As a result I feel far less lardy, even though I have no idea if I've lost any weight or not. I feel much more comfortable in my clothes, my waistbands feel looser, and I just generally feel happier. And my skin looks great, although it's been pretty good since I got into the green smoothie habit.

I don't feel particularly deprived and my mood has been quite stable and upbeat, which is a pleasant surprise. I definitely felt a bit grumpy the first day or two and had a bit less patience with Cherry but after the third sugar-free day it was business as usual. I feel like I've had much more energy, we've had a busy week and I've run or cycled or done yoga every day, but I'm not feeling particularly worn out from it.

Today I have made a batch of sweet potato brownies as I do want to have something to nibble on and I seem to be turning to toast and peanut butter a bit more than I would like. I am a bit concerned this will open the floodgates and I will be piling down mountains of muffins within days. If this happens I'll have to go back to no substitutes. But I'm hopeful I can introduce a couple of alternatives and keep them as genuine treats, not everyday treats.

I'm very much taking an experimental, take it one day at a a time approach which feels less pressured. I can't see me never eating sugar again and I have in mind that a chocolate egg at Easter would be a nice stepping-stone to give me something to look forward to. But the main thing is I know I can go a whole week without eating any sugary snacks, and that feels like a bit of an achievement if I'm honest.

Gingerbread and self-esteem

Yesterday Cherry wandered over to me brandishing a small rolling pin. 'Look Mummy! Look what I got.'

Without thinking I said 'We need to bake some cookies.' Her eyes lit up. When Cherry wants to do something, she really wants to do it and Cherry likes cookies. 'Bake cookies! Shall we bake cookies, Mummy? Shall we bake cookies?'

So we baked gingerbread. Only the recipe we used called for golden syrup and I didn't have any, so we used honey instead. And we used wholemeal flour instead of white. As we mixed I opened my mouth to warn Cherry that our gingerbread might not be as nice as the gingerbread men we get from the bakery.

Then I thought better of it and closed my mouth again.

I think often about the things I do with my children and how it affects their self esteem. Apparently I'm incapable of even baking out-of-season sweet treats without pondering the impact upon their emotional development.

It occurred to me I bite my tongue a lot these days rather than surrender to my natural impulse which is to apologise in advance for the perceived inadequacy of what I am producing.

Cherry asks me to draw with her a lot. I'm really, really bad at drawing. Whenever she asks me to draw for her - usually a helicopter - I want to warn her that it won't be any good. I want to say 'this won't look much like a helicopter I'm afraid'. Or, 'I'm sure Daddy could draw you a much better helicopter than this. Mummy's not very good at drawing.'

But I don't.

SHE thinks my helicopters look great. But more importantly she thinks HER helicopters look great too. I can see the pride in her as she shows me them. She takes pride in many things, my girl. The size of her poos (seriously, she's entitled to. That child can SHIT.) The songs she sings, fudging the words as she goes. 'Playing' her piano as Violet drones into the accompanying microphone, creating a cacophony that only a mother could love.

The more I observe my children the more convinced I am that self-esteem comes from the process of doing, regardless of the quality of the outcome or the praise received. Traditionally praise was thought to raise self-esteem. Tell your children how brilliant they are, frequently. Concentrate on something they are good at and lavish them with praise when they do something 'well'.

Except I tend to believe that children find praise insincere and creepy, and rather self-serving, because it often is. Instead I use the classic 'say what you see'. Tell me about your picture. You've drawn a helicopter! It's green! You look like you really enjoyed that! Are you happy with it? And so on.

I want her to take joy in doing, just for herself.

If I begin every one of our creative sessions by apologising, it will only be a matter of time before she does too. Modelling is one of the most powerful parenting 'methods' there is.

If I apologise and draw attention to my perceived failings, and point out the flaws in everything, she will learn to do the same.

Instead I want her to learn that it doesn't matter if she doesn't have all the ingredients in her cupboard. If she thinks about it and she wants to badly enough, she can still make gingerbread men.

And when they're fresh out of the oven and in lovely shapes dusted with icing sugar, all tempting on a plate, they will still taste just as nice and nobody will know she used honey instead of golden syrup.