Fear and flow

Last weekend I went to Hillingdon for a coaching session with Kerry Bircher at Revolution Cycling, the first in the buildup to RideLondon 100. Going at all was actually quite a big thing. I find myself reluctant to travel far from my daughters physically, it's not a conscious thought process and I don't sit and worry about all the things that could go wrong in my absence. But I definitely struggle to be geographically too far away from them.

Hillingdon isn't exactly miles away but it's the other side of London and far enough to feel significant. I almost didn't go. But I also desperately, desperately wanted to go. RideLondon 100 is my commitment to myself (and to Tommy's, and to Kerry!).

Last year I really struggled with fear on my bike. I had a brief flirtation with cleats that just made me more fearful and anxious, and I had to go back to ordinary pedals. I struggled with balance, something seems to have happened to my body since having Violet and I just don't feel as centred, I get dizzy really easily and I just don't feel as content and settled on a bike as I used to. I struggled with descending, fear on busy roads, and just a sense of all not being well.

I had lost the ability to get into that state of flow whereby I stop thinking and just do. Every time I rode I was thinking too much, worrying, my mind constantly whirring away, never still. Riding my bike used to be a great way to just forget everything and lose myself in the moment. But for obvious reasons I find it very difficult to just 'forget' my children, and I was finding it doubly difficult to forget myself and my fears, and just go with the flow.

I don't know if it was being on a closed circuit or being in a group or just the very powerful motivational effect of Kerry - who is most definitely in the right career. But by the time I was halfway through our three-hour session I just wanted to fling my bike about like I was 10 years old again. There's a really tasty corner on the  circuit down a fairly gentle descent, anybody who has ridden there will know the one I mean, and I wanted to ride that corner ALL DAY LONG. I was on the drops most of the time, without even thinking about it.

I wasn't thinking, full stop. Even during the group riding, something that's pretty unfamiliar to me. There was eight of us in total and we spent the last 10-15 minutes riding as a peleton. Initially I had absolutely no idea how I was supposed to stay in the middle of a group of riders, keep pace, not crash, not run into anybody, and so on. But as it turns out it's as natural as breathing, and once you're in it, everything flows.

I'm so grateful to Kerry and her lovely colleague Holly for the coaching, and I can't wait until our next session which will be a group ride in March. Every month we will all ride together and I love the idea of forming a little group, us all becoming accustomed to riding together to become something bigger than our parts. Group riding relies on communication. There's so many analogies for life in the process. Apparently I'm feeling quite deep and meaningful today.

That's what flow does for you. It opens your eyes, and your heart. It makes you see things, yourself included, in new ways. Flow is a lynchpin of progress. You can't experience it and not move forwards. Fear can't exist in flow. Fear runs screaming. And flow leads to anticipation of more flow, which creates motivation. I have been desperate to get out on the bike again, and on both my training rides this week I have felt far less fearful, and far more confident. I'm pretty sure I've been faster too.

But I've also felt much more centred and together this week. I have felt more motivated, more energetic and more creative. I have found myself able to give more of myself to Cherry and Violet, find more traces of flow in our interactions together.

Sometimes it's hard to just be with them, without thinking about what we're going to do next and what's for lunch and does Violet's nappy need changing and when am I going to get a chance to do the laundry and I really want to write another book and what am I going to do with the rest of my life. You know, just the usual.

But sometimes, like this week, it just flows.

There's still a couple of spaces left on Revolution Cycling's women-only coaching programme for distance challenges, which includes monthly group rides, a personalised training plan, dietary advice, one-to-one coaching support and event preparation. You can find out more by contacting Kerry at hello@revolutioncycling.co.uk or check out her website.

RideLondon 100 and overcommiting

Last year I overcommitted to a whole heap of things. A theme of the year became letting people down and backing out of commitments.

One of the commitments I failed to fulfil was RideLondon 100, the 100-mile London to Surrey and back again bike ride. I had pledged to do the ride for Tommy's, the pregnancy and baby charity. I had sponsorship, I wrote about it in the Telegraph. But as time went on finding the time for training became harder and more stressful and it became obvious to me what I had to do.

There are a million and one reasons - excuses - as to why I eventually chose to defer my place.

I'm not proud of it, but rather than sit and beat myself up, I chose to learn from it.

There is a big part of me that wants to do loads of sportives and try loads of new things and write more books and set goals and challenges and follow through on them and tick them off my great big to-do list of this gift we call life.

My 'New Year's Resolutions' for 2014, written when Cherry had just turned 2 and V was four  months old. I mean seriously.

But the bigger part of me - the biggest part - means what I say the most when I say I want to be a stay-at-home mother first and foremost and put my children first. All the time.

As it turns out the specific children I have and the specific lifestyle I chose and the specific parenting approach to which I ascribe and the specific challenges I wanted to do were just incompatible.

Once I really thought about it the truth was quite simple. I was not yet ready to devote a significant amount of emotional energy to anything but my children and family.

2014 was all about learning and cutting back. I did complete a 10K run and a 60K Cycletta at the end of the year but considering at the beginning of 2014 I'd had 100-mile rides and potential London to Paris adventures and new books and buying a home and career expansion and diversification and all sorts of other enormous targets and goals in my head, these didn't end up being celebrated as achievements so much as 'well at least I managed…'

Pic by Adele Mitchell

This year I have so far made one commitment and that's to fulfil the RideLondon place I deferred in 2014.

In truth little has changed, and I have no guarantee that I won't find the process stressful and frustrating and even come to regret it this year. 100-mile bike rides don't happen by themselves. I am not 'cycling fit' and I have a long way to go until I am physically capable of the feat.

I don't have any more free time than I had last year. Cherry goes to pre-school for three mornings a week but Violet is still at home full-time. They remain my absolute and number one top priority.

But what I do have is just a small spark, the tiniest fragment, of a desire for something just for me. Some part of me separate from my children and my family, not completely engulfed by and absorbed in them. Nothing huge, nothing dramatic - just a little bit of time and space carved out as my own.

I also have the great good fortune to have the help and support of the awesome Kerry Bircher at Revolution Cycling. Kerry has kindly offered me a place on her bespoke training programme for RideLondon and other distance sportives. We will have a coaching ride together once a month, along with her other trainees, and I will have a fully tailored training programme, help, support and advice.

I can't deny I feel a great deal of apprehension at taking on this challenge. But at the end of the day it's just one day, one bike ride, and if it takes me 100 years to complete it and my arse hurts and I cry - so be it.

*Jacket and jersey complimentary from adidas

There are still places available to train with Kerry for RideLondon 100 or a similar distanced sportive, including monthly training rides and a bespoke training plan. Perfect if, like me, the mind is willing but the flesh is probably a bit weaker than you'd like it to be!